Jelly Roll Blues
FADE IN:
EXT. PLANE LANDING WINDOW POV - DAY
A plane lands at La Guardia Airport, New York City.
CUT TO:
INT. PASSENGER RUNWAY LA GUARDIA AIRPORT - DAY
The airport passenger runway is a moving human conveyor belt of people. The passengers are made up of cute stewardesses, GQ type harried businessmen and vacationing families. The camera tracks down the runway.
SUBTITLE AT SCREEN BOTTOM:
"La GUARDIA AIRPORT, New York City
Eight miles from the Center of the Known Universe."
The camera stops its random tracking and focuses as it comes upon the MELBURG CLAN. First in line and leading his pack is STEVEN MELBURG, ex-hippie, ex yuppie, sincere but wacked-out greying, bearded, long-haired, middle-aged man.
Immediately across from him on the carpeted airport floor is his twelve year old son, JOEY MELBURG. Joey wears skating shorts and a plaid shirt hanging over a t-shirt which has the playboy logo. The t-shirt reads "Cyber Punk - Beware". He puts down his trekkie board showing off his skateboarding prowess to the annoyance of the airport passengers.
Immediately behind Steven is his daughter JENNIFER STACEY MELBURG. She wears a tartan mini and thigh-high leggings - a sixteen year old babe. Her tee reads "Close Encounters of the Third Kind". She carries a large gym bag - "Daddy's Little Darling's Gymnastic Club". A majorette's baton sticks out of one end of the bag.
STEVEN
New York City - kids. Your old
man's sixties stomping
grounds. I can't wait to show
you the village.
Joey and Jen-Stacey parody the radical hippie bullshit they have heard a
thousand times.
JOEY
Beware the brown acid. No more
brown acid. Mom said.
Jen points to a passing luggage carrying family of sexy prep school girls.
They are in town for a bowling tournament and more than a few of them carry
bowling balls and wear "Imperials Rule" bowling league jackets. The smallest
cutie carries a miniature squirt Raygun with which she annoys Steve Melburg.
Other passengers look on.
At one of those airport lounges in the approaching distance a tacky cocktail band plays a souped down introduction to the soul classic "In the Midnight Hour". Joey begins a surprisingly good accompaniment which fills the soundscape. The prep girls listen.
JOEY
I'm gonna wait 'till the
midnight hour
that's where my loooovve come
tumblin' down
I'm gonna wait 'till the
midnight hour
till there's no one else
around.
Jen grabs a passing Japanese business man in a dirty-dancing type Lambada
against the conveyor belt's side.
JEN and JOEY
I am gonna take you there and
hold you
Do all the things I told you
In the midnight hour!
Joey sings another verse. Jen does a bump and grind to the amusement of the sleepy band of arriving/departing airport travellers.
STEVE
Is this what they call revenge
of the Hippie's Kids?
JENNY
(yelling)
Kids of the yuppie middle-age
crisis unite.
A couple other yuppies, previously hippies, join in the amusement, trying to
re-ignite middle-aged youth.
JOEY
Bring it home Jen.
JENNY
New York City!
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPORT - TAXI AREA - DAY
The Melburg clan make their way out of the airport. The previous dirty dancing Japanese businessman attempts to give Jen his number. Steve prevents him. A gypsy-type yellow cab with a company sign which reads "Planet Taxi" pulls up. The Pakistani greaser cabbie is already taking the clan's bags.
STEVE
Can you take us to the
Algonquin?
TAXI DRIVER
Algonquin, yeah, yeah, please,
in, in.
TAXI DRIVER
Off Central Park.
JEN
Dad, aren't we supposed to
take one of those?
Jen points to the registered New York city taxis and line of waiting people.
Steve ignores her while he helps the cabbie with bags.
STEVE
I'm not sure if this middle
age crisis was such a good
idea.
CUT TO:
INT. TAXI CAB - DAY
The inside of the cab is a tribute to 50's rockers "Sha Na Na".
JOEY
It was your crisis though Dad.
No one told you to quit your
job.
STEVE
That's 'anyone' Joey. Watch
your grammar.
JENNY
Is this what Cosmo meant by
masculinity in crisis.
JOEY
Temporary insanity is more
like it.
JENNY
Permanent.
STEVE
What do I got here, Siskel and
Ebert on my life?
JOEY
Two thumbs down.
STEVE
Thank for your support kids.
JOEY
You're welcome daddio.
TAXI DRIVER
(thick Pakistani accent)
You like to Rock?
The driver flips in Sha Na Na's "Rock' N Roll Is Here to Stay" which
acoustically frames the next montage.
CUT TO:
NEW YORK CITY STREET MONTAGE TAXI POV - DAY
From the Melburg Clan's midwest POV: New York prostitutes, Latino homeboys, posturing Chiquitas, homeless black men and young beautiful Upper East Side women walking dogs down the street. The montage also highlights 'alien-like' outer space visual sights (ie. Forbidden Planet Comic Books, Planet Hollywood) The cab pulls up to a seedy East Village hotel.
CUT TO:
EXT. ELMIRA HOTEL - DAY
STEVE
This isn't the Algonquin.
CABBIE
No, no, Elmira better, half
price save money.
STEVE
I clearly instructed you to go
to the Algonquin.
CABBIE
No, no, Elmira better. Coupon,
coupon.
The cabbie hands Steve a coupon which reads:
ELMIRA HOTEL: ARRIVAL SPECIAL. With this coupon pay two day regular price and
receive third and fourth day of your stay. Businessman District. Girls
Available. Central Park five minutes by subway.
JOEY
If you think I'm getting out
here dad.
Steve pays the driver.
STEVE
We'll try it for one day Joey.
If you kids hate me we move to
the Algonquin tomorrow. Is
that a deal?
JEN
Cheap yuppie bastard.
Joey is looked over by a passing prostitute.
JOEY
Definitely not Boise.
CUT TO:
INT. ELMIRA HOTEL LOBBY - ST. MARKS STREET - DAY
It is starting to snow. The three carry their bags in. All of the nefarious hotel inhabitants in the seedy lobby look astonished at the Midwest arrivals.
STEVE
I'd like a room for three.
The reception clerk is a dead ringer for the cab driver's brother.
RECEPTION
Yes sir, yes sir. Coupon?
Apparently the coupon scam is well known.
STEVE
In fact I just received one.
RECEPTION
Very good sir, very good, 3B.
CUT TO:
EXT. TELEPHONE BOOTH ST. MARKS STREET NEW YORK - DAY
The screen is vertically split between an exterior telephone on St. Marks and a crackhouse interior in New Jack City.
On St. Marks it is beginning to snow.MATTIE and MABELINE JACKS get out of a beat up 77 Saturn and go to the phone. MATTIE, an eighteen year old stud, wears a white undershirt and carries a briefcase. MABELINE, his thirty-eight year old well-put-together mother, wears an Addidas work-out top, daisy-duke shorts and platform sandals. She wears her hair 'ala' and is reminiscent of, a sluttish 'Princess Leia'.
Mattie snuffs out his cigarette, picks out a constellation in the starry sky and notices the newly falling snow before entering the shop.
MATTIE
Big dipper.
In New Jack City, A gold chain wearing WHORE answers the phone. She passes it to a dope honcho, the TERMINATOR. His speech is incomprehensible.
The telephone connection comes in and out. Mabeline watches the Melburg's previous gypsy cabbie convince another hapless victim into the cab and then run a red.
MABELINE
Put the Terminator on.
The deal got messed. Right.
(Pause) Talk louder and slower
I can hardly hear you.
Yeah we're in New York. Elmira
Hotel.I said the deal got
messed. The finisher set you
up. Yeah, we got the dope.
Yeah, we gotta meet. I got a
pen. Give it to me. What?
The subtitles underneath the dope dealer shouting into the phone read "Meet
Eighth St. Pier Backlane 7 P.M."
MABELINE
What? Hold on, Empire Lanes.
1:00 A.M. A bowling alley?
The subtitle underneath the Terminator shouting reads "The Back Alley".
Mabeline takes out the Stardust doughnut cafe bag from her purse and scrawls "Empire Lanes" 1:OO A.M.
MABELINE
I wrote it down. Empire Lanes
Bowling Alley 1:00 A. M
Mabeline hangs up and walks from the exterior telephone booth past the
crowded street up the lobby stairs into the Elmira.
CUT TO:
INT. ELMIRA HOTEL ROOM #3B - DAY
The room defines the word tacky. Jen flips on the bathroom lights. A roach scurries under the bathmat.
JEN
Welcome to Roach York.
JOEY
Free love action. All the
roaches you can eat.
STEVE
It's not that bad.
JEN
I need a Pepsi before I hurl.
Steve opens his wallet.
STEVE
Buy a couple.
JEN
Why don't I splurge for a six?
You gotta coupon?
STEVE
Easy and be careful.
JOEY
Yeah those roaches are
killers.
Steve and Joey are left sitting on the bed. Joey comes over to Steve and puts his head near him.
JOEY
Could I ask you something dad?
STEVE
Sure, Joey.
JOEY
Are you really hearing
messages from outer space?
STEVE
I don't know Joey. I can't
understand it myself.
JOEY
Mom said it's just that you've
spent too many hours in front
of the computer terminal and
you're a little over the top.
She said you can still come
back if you quit the outer
space bullshit and see a
shrink.
STEVE
I don't need a shrink Joey. I
can't explain the voices any
other way. I can't believe
myself I've been chosen to
accomplish some intergalactic
task.
JOEY
God, Dad. I can't take that
Star Wars crap anymore and
don't talk about it in front
of Jen or our friends.
Everyone thinks you've lost
your marbles.
STEVE
The choice is open to you guys
to move back to Boise with
your mom. But I've been
chosen. I had a dream.
JOEY
I know you went up to the
mountain where this woman on a
doughnut saucer came to you
and said "Use the Force wisely
Steve, You have been chosen
for Jedi-Knighthood."
Joey jumps onto the bed, takes out a cyberpunk comic whose title reads
"Cyberpunk Strategies - Methods that work." He begins to read. Steve unpacks.
JOEY
Couldn't you just go back to
being a plain old data entry
clerk? Really dad, I liked you
that way. It was explainable
at show and tell.
STEVE
There's more to life than show
and tell Joey.
JOEY
Not much.
STEVE
You're right. Not much but
when a voice comes and says
"you are predestined to Jedi
Knighthood and the fate of the
universe lies in your hands",
Joey, you don't ignore that
kind of voice. In the sixties
people listened and we got
civil rights, equality for
women and free love which got
me your mother and you kids.
Then later I started to die
inside.
JOEY
I don't think you're crazy
dad.
STEVE
Thanks Joey.
JOEY
Just keep the Jedi knighthood
rap under the hood when you
start looking for a job.
CUT TO:
INT. MABELINE and MATTIE ROOM #3A - DAY
Mattie jars open the jammed hotel window, watches the crowded street and
sticks out his burnt hand to examine the newly falling snow. He is reading
the same cyberpunk mag that Joey reads in the adjoining room at the adjoining
window.
Mabeline enters, flips on the t.v. and begins to clean the pair's guns.
She flips channels until she comes to a sensational news show 'ala' 'Hard Copy' or 'Current Affair'. The show continues throughout the scene background.
Mid-shot TV:
MARYLOU HOST (V.O)
And later on Present Regard,
Death in the Doughnut Shop.
A cheap surveillance cam shot of Mabeline shooting Jellyroll as he munches on
a cruller.
MARYLOU HOST
But right now, "Are Aliens
about to cause the next Ice
Age"? Ivy League Professor Art
Berryman seems to think so and
he'll tell us why.
Wacky music and a still shot of goatee wearing PROFESSOR ART BERRYMAN with
crazy smile and hand wrapped around an E.T.-like alien. Cut to Berryman with
large telescope and nerdy-type graduate assistant HARALD with portable
computer in the middle of a crowded Manhattan thoroughfare.
MARYLOU HOST
Professor Berryman, why do you
feel our neighbors could be
interplanetary aliens and how
did you come to these
conclusions?
ART BERRYMAN
Perhaps I should begin by
saying, Marylou, that New York
will experience an
interplanetary alignment
tonight that takes place once
every twenty two thousand
years.
Harald interjects
MARYLOU HOST
And what praytell is the
significance of that
professor?
HARALD
If our calculations are
correct Marylou, after the
last one, we experienced what
is commonly referred to as the
Ice Age.
Shots of Manhattan being covered in snow.
MARYLOU HOST
So, if I understand you
correctly Professor, the last
Ice Age occurred because of
aliens?
PROFESSOR BERRYMAN
The snow started falling and
it just never stopped Marylou.
Relative to the known
universe, the earth is in a
unique set of the nodal
points. I have determined
that New York City is in the
epicenter of these
intergalactic coordinates but
we have yet to detect the
precise location.
The shot cuts to a wacky paste up of New York relative to the known universe.
Wrap up:
MARYLOU V.O
Could New York City be the
center of the known universe?
There are at least two New
Yorkers who seems to think so
but I for one wouldn't bet
money on it. We'll just have
to wait and see.
The shot cuts to Marylou back at an anchor's desk in a two-shot with a John
Tisch-type co-host.
JOHN TISCH
What an interesting report
Marylou and what an
'interesting' man. The next
ice age? Is that by tomorrow
morning?
The pair laugh.
MARYLOU
That's right John, New York as
epi-center of the known
universe.
JOHN
I'm sure there are people in
L.A. who disagree with that.
MARYLOU
I'm sure there are.
JOHN
Thanks for that report
Marylou.
MARYLOU V.O
Coming up on Present Regard,
caught on video, 'Death in the
Doughnut Shop' and an
interview with one of the
survivors of what is being
termed 'the Cruller Carnage'!
Cut to Doughnut commercial.
MATTIE
How can you watch that crap
mom?
MABELINE
It's important that you keep
up on world affairs. Don't
they teach that in school?
MATTIE
Look, because of you we're in
a big mess. You know how many
people are going to watch
'Death in the Doughnut Cafe'?
We gotta drop off the dope and
get out of the country pronto.
It's just a matter of time
before some snotty-nosed kid
spots us and calls America's
Most Wanted.
Opening Mabeline's purse, Mattie takes one of the remaining Bavarian Creme
doughnuts out of the bag and begins to eat. Mattie then crumples the bag and
slam dunks it into the hotel trash.
MATTIE
So what did Terminator say?
MABELINE
We're supposed to meet him
tonight at Empire Lanes.
Mabeline helps herself to a line of coke.
MATTIE
A bowling alley. That's great.
Right after the spot on t.v.
no doubt. Why not in the
middle of Times Square, so the
other half of New York could
hand us in? Shit mom. And
where's my cigarettes?
MABELINE
I knew I forgot something.
MATTIE
I ask you to do a very few
things mom and lay off the
coke.
MABELINE
We all have our indiscretions.
MATTIE
You know I needed those
Marlboros.
Mattie exits the room slamming the door behind him.
CUT TO:
INT. ELMIRA HOTEL LOBBY - DAY
Jen Melberg returns down the hallway with a six pack of Pepsi and what looks like a wrapped package of frosted cinnamon doughnuts. As she passes #3A Mattie exits and bumps her. She drops her things.
MATTIE
Hey, watch where you're going?
JEN
(picking up doughnuts)
You watch where you're going.
They look at each other. Instant attraction. Jen gathers the Pepsi cans.
Mattie hands her the doughnuts.
MATTIE
(tries to hide his hand)
Doughnuts, huh . . .
JEN
What happened?
Mattie hides the burn.
MATTIE
Baking accident.
Jen continues down the hall. Mattie's animal instincts flip into gear.
MATTIE
Swing that thing girl.
Jen turns around half-furious/half-flattered.
CUT TO:
INT. MELBURG HOTEL ROOM #3B - DAY
Steve puzzles over what looks like a star-map drawing lines with a ruler. On
the bed, Joey reads a different cyberpunk strategy comic. The t.v. blares.
The 'Death in the Doughnut shop segment plays. Jen does a double take as she
sees Mattie, now on t.v., pumping a bullet into one of the Arkansas
policemen's heads. She hops onto the bed, begins to polish off one of the
doughnuts and continues to watch the t.v. show.
STEVEN
You made it back alright Jen?
JEN
As far as I can see thank you.
On t.v, a bandaged but still alive Nicky Stardust is interviewed from a
woodshed exterior. He has a thick Jamaican rude-boy accent.
NICKY
I'm gonna get those mean
(motherfuckers - the word is
bleeped as are subsequent
swears with the bleeps late in
coming) if it's the last thing
I do.
INTERVIEWER
Where do you think they might
go?
NICKY
As far as I figure that bitch
(bleep) and her (bleep)son is
headed to New York City. All
I'se and I'se has to say is be
careful cause that mother
fucking (bleep) son of a gun
is one dangerous cunt (bleep).
INTERVIEWER
(flustered)
Thank you for that Mr.
Stardust. So as far as we know
the suspects are a mother and
son team headed toward New
York City. Coincidence or
government conspiracy that
they happened to knock off the
South's next Ku Klux Klan
Grand Dragon? You be the
judge. That's part two
tomorrow on "Present Regard".
STEVE
Maybe we'll take a walk down
to the World Trade.
JOEY
The one they were going to
blow?
Two Shot t.v. wrap up:
JOHN TISCH
Is there anything else we know
Marylou?
MARYLOU (BACKGROUND)
The only other thing is
apparently one of the suspects
suffered burns to his right
hand. Police are having a hard
time with the investigation as
the black witnesses refuse to
cooperate.
Jenny is somewhat stunned by the broadcast.
JEN
Take a break from the Jedi
b.s. dad. I think I just
bumped into a killer.
JOEY
Am I the only sane person left
in this family?
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. ELMIRA HOTEL HALLWAY - DAY
Mattie walks down the hallway with his Marlboros. Jenny peeps out from their
door. She tries to peep back in. Mattie has noticed.
MATTIE
Hey cutie.
JEN
Hi.
Mattie flips his keys into the door.
MATTIE
Could I interest you in a
little gold key treatment?
JEN
What's the gold key treatment?
MATTIE
(grabbing his crotch)
I got a big fat gold one
darlin' and I treat you to all
that you're meant to have.
JEN
No thank you.
Jen slams the door.
CUT TO:
INT. MELBERG ROOM #3B - DAY
Jen stands against the door deep breathing and in a state of shock. Joey is on the telephone, yellow pages open in front of him with a list of pizza delivery joints. His finger is on a listing which reads "Astro Pizza - 'It's Astro Nummycal'. Warp Speedy delivery or your money back".
JOEY
Yeah that's a large Ham and
Pineapple, yeah Pineapple,
make it Anchovies then. Elmira
Hotel #3B. Yeah 668-2824.
JEN
Oh my God, call the police.
Jen walks to the telephone, hangs it up and dials 911.
JOEY
What are you doing? I wasn't
finished. Dad, Jen just hung
up the phone.
STEVE
Jen, would you mind explaining
what's going on?
JOEY
Has everyone around here gone
crazy?
JEN
I'll explain later. I've got
to call the police.
CUT TO:
INT. MABEL and MATTIE'S ROOM #3A - DAY
Mattie stands against the wall listening with an empty glass. Mabeline sits next to the table with the guns watching a documentary on cats.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. MELBERG ROOM - DAY
JENNY
(into telephone)
No the episode on the mother
and son - death in the
doughnut cafe. Yes I've called
the right place. I need the
cops - Elmira Hotel Room #3A.
The Goddamn killer's in the
room next door. Yes I'm sure.
I wouldn't be calling if I
wasn't sure. No I don't know
how many calls you get like
this. I haven't asked him.
Look, lady.
Steve grabs the phone from Jenny.
STEVE
This is the girl's father.
JENNY
What are you doing?
STEVE
(on telephone)
I realize that. We just
arrived in New York. I think
she might be over-excited with
all the people around. We're
from 'Boise'.
As he says Boise the hotelroom door crashes down. A resounding thud. Mattie
brandishes a .357 and Mabeline carries a Colt.
MATTIE
Put the phone down pops.
JOEY
Oh my God.
Mabeline walks over to Steve, wraps the receiver round his neck, hangs up the
phone and then cold cocks him with her gun. He falls.
MABELINE
My son said put the phone
down. Don't you listen when
you're spoke to? He asked
nicely.
Steve tries to raise himself.
JOEY
Hey, you can't do that.
MATTIE
Stay where you are punk. And
you, miss big mouth, don't you
know you're not supposed to
stick your tail into other
people's business.
Mattie makes a lascivious advance towards Jenny. He is stopped by Steve who
has managed to raise himself. Mabeline places a gun to the back of Steve's
head.
MABELINE
Easy pops. (to Jenny) And you,
down on the bed.
JOEY
Intergalactic mission. This is
so fucked-up. We should have
stayed with mom. I liked the
Mid-west.
MATTIE
Shut up kid. If your sister
would have kept her nose in
her own business . . .
STEVEN
I'm sorry I brought you kids
here.
JEN
It's alright dad. I'm sorry
for . . .
MATTIE
Enough Walton family.
Everybody shut the fuck-up.
I've got to think.
The telephone rings. Once. Twice. The tension mounts. Three times. Four
times.
MATTIE
(motions with gun to Joey)
Pick it up. Try anything
funny, and say bye bye pops.
JOEY
Hello.
JOEY
It's the lobby. They want to
know whether to send the
delivery boy up or are we
going to come down.
MABELINE
What?
JOEY
I ordered pizza.
MATTIE
Send 'em up.
JOEY
Send him up.
Mattie clicks down the receiver.
MATTIE
Everyone play it cool and no
one gets hurt.
MABELINE
Repeat after me: One big happy
family.
JENNY
(weeping)
One big happy family.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MELBERG ROOM #3B - DAY
Everyone is posed in a domestic'family unit' set-up. PIZZA BOY, a Kato-Kailin surfer dude comes whipping down the hallway to the knocked down door. He wears a t-shirt and cap which reads "Astro Pizza - 'It's Astro -nummycal'. He carries a large pizza carton which reads "Astro-licious".
PIZZA BOY
Dudes. What happened?
MATTIE
I guess the graduation
celebration got a bit out of
hand.
PIZZA BOY
Woah.
Pizza Boy hands over the pizza and stands waiting for his money. Joey signals
him with a shooting gun gesture. Pizza Boy misinterprets it, winks and clicks
his finger right back.
MATTIE
Dad, you want to pay the boy?
Dad?
STEVE
(taking out wallet)
Right.
Taking out his wallet, Steve cleverly does a 'help us' mime. Pizza Boy is too
stupid to recognize it.
JEN
Thank you very much.
Jen does a last ditch effort to signal the boy. This time Pizza Boy
interprets it for a pick-up.
PIZZA BOY
Alright. Later.
Pizza Boy turns to leave with an 'I'm gonna get laid tonight' grin.
MATTIE
Hold on. You got a car here?
PIZZA BOY
What of it dude?
Mabeline trains her gun on Pizza Boy.
MATTIE
We're going to need it.
CUT TO:
INT. ASTRO PIZZA CAR - DAY
The Volkswagen rabbit has "ASTRO PIZZA - IT'S ASTRO-NUMMYCAL" with a pizza
asteroid blazing through space on its side. Mattie is in the back with a gun
trained on Pizza Boy. Jen sits next to Mattie separated by a stack of pizzas.
Mabeline is in the passenger seat next to Pizza Boy. Pizza Boy drives down
New York streets. Mattie helps himself to a slice.
PIZZA BOY
(annoyed at slice theft)
Dude, like I still deliver
those.
MATTIE
(brandishing gun)
I said, everyone play it cool,
no one gets hurt.
MABELINE
Your dad and brother keep
their mouths shut when the
cops show. Both of you come
out alive.
The Pizzamobile passes a street business which reads "Skyways Travel - We'll
take you there".
MABELINE
Pull over.
Pizza Boy pulls over. From the street Mabeline scans out the travel agency. A
young Latino babe reassembles brochures on one side of the store. On the
other side is a desk which has a large spinning plastic model Earth on it.
MABELINE
Listen hard Pizza Boy. Me and
you go on in. You then use
this credit card to buy us
four tickets for the last
flight to Brazil out of
LaGuardia tonight. Be
economical and quick. Do you
know what those words mean?
Pizza Boy nods 'yes' but it is questionable.
MABELINE
If things go as planned we
only need two tickets. You two
get out alive in New York
City. Got that Pizza Boy.
PIZZA BOY
I got it.
MABELINE
I'll be watching from that
rack. Try anything funny,
Mattie takes care of little
sister. I punch the clock on
you and travel lady.
PIZZA BOY
Clear for take off.
MABELINE
Lets go.
Mabeline and Pizza Boy get out. Pizza Boy enters the travel agency with
Mabeline. Pizza Boy goes to the desk and makes the ticket reservations while
Mabeline hides out by the bureau while keeping a watchful eye on Pizza Boy.
MATTIE
(to Jen)
So I never got to ask you
little darlin'. What brings
you and your fine Mid-west
family to the big apple?
JENNY
I'd rather not talk about it.
Mattie brandishes the gun.
MATTIE
This here politometer
indicates you rather would.
JENNY
(bursting out)
My dad went crazy. He thought
he was hearing voices that
told him to come to New York
City because he's been chosen
as a fucking Jedi knight to
save the bloody universe from
the forces of darkness. Happy
now?
MATTIE
Sounds like sci-fi. How'd
mommy like that?
JENNY
They're getting a divorce,
alright. You know my whole
miserable life.
MATTIE
Why didn't he help you? If he
thinks he's Luke Skywalker
saving the universe from the
forces of darkness.
JENNY
Please, I don't know. I just
wish he'd have gone to a
shrink and we'd have stayed in
Boise. Then none of this would
have happened.
MATTIE
What did he do before?
JENNY
Data entry.
MATTIE
That'll do it.
JENNY
Are you really going to kill
me?
MATTIE
Maybe your dad will manage to
keep his mouth shut. You are
kind of cute in a Mid west
type of way but . . . a deals
a deal.
JENNY
Thanks.
CUT TO:
EXT. ELMIRA HOTEL ST. MARKS STREET - DAY
A couple flashing police cars have pulled up outside the Elmira.
CUT TO:
INT. ELMIRA HOTEL ST. MARKS - DAY
Steve and Joey sit dejectedly on the bed. DETECTIVE SCHROEDER stands in front of them with a notepad. Two New York ROOKIE OFFICERS take apart the room looking for evidence while arguing with the lobby clerk who looks in amazement at the mess. A couple reporters and video crew mill about interviewing a SEXY PAKISTANI MAID.
STEVEN
Why we came to New York has
nothing to with this. Like I
told you - my daughter
Jennifer Stacey called.
DETECTIVE SCHROEDER
If we're gonna help, you gotta
cooperate. Are you sure it was
Mabeline and Mattie Jacks from
the Doughnut massacre?
STEVEN
Are there more than one
mother-son killer teams on the
wanted list?
DETECTIVE SCHROEDER
Where do you think they've
gone?
STEVEN
I don't know.
Shot of trashcan where Mattie threw doughnut bag.
DETECTIVE SCHROEDER
Anything else you can tell us?
JOEY
Yeah, they said if we keep our
mouths shut and don't talk to
the cops or America's Most
Wanted then my sister and
Pizza Boy come out alive.
CUT TO:
INT. PIZZA BOY VOLKSWAGEN - DAY
Mattie and Mabeline are still in the car. The deal seems to be taking longer
than necessary.
MATTIE
So, is it true what the
Beachboys say about the
Midwest farmers' daughters?
JENNY
What do they say?
MATTIE
Feel this light sabre down
here and I'll tell ya.
Mattie moves on Jennifer.
MATTIE (Cont'd)
Jedi master's daughter. Let me
show you the power of the
force.
JENNY
Please, don't.
Mabeline and Pizza Boy return from the travel agency. Pizza Boy's cheezed
grin - they have been successful with the tickets. They hop back into the
car.
MABELINE
Hey, watch your manners boy.
MATTIE
You get the tickets?
Mabeline takes the cassette tape she just sat on, looks it over and flips it
into the deck. It is the Jackson Five's "ABC 123"
PIZZA BOY
Roger.
MATTIE
Drive Pizza Boy.
MABELINE
Side A complete. Now we find
Empire Lanes, finish this deal
and get the hell out of this
country.
As the Jackson Five sings we see grimy New York streets. The otherworldy
activities(i.e., Drag Queen, Club Kids, East Village Artists) seem from
another planet.
CUT TO:
INT. DEEP SOUTH - WOODSHED - DAY
The sound of country crickets and a shot of the thousand starried night. Nicky Stardust finishes sawing off the end of a double barrel shotgun. He untightens the shotgun from a vice-grip. Beside the shotgun is another long barrelled Colt and beside that the sawed-off barrel of another shotgun. Lulabelle comes in bandaged from the doughnut massacre.
LULABELLE
What choo dooin' Nicky?
NICKY
Mission from Jah sistah. I'se
going to New York City
tonight.
Lulabelle clears the air of some of the ganja smoke.
LULABELLE
Mission from Jah?
NICKY
That's right. Last time I
greeted them meek as the lamb.
This time I'se goin' as the
firin' John Wayne of Judeah.
Nicky lets off a couple blasts and jumps into his Duster.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT DEEP SOUTH - KLAN MEMORIAL SERVICE - DAY
Nicky's Duster speeds past this Ku Klux Klan memorial service for Jellyroll and Boyle in an empty southern cemetery by the highway. Several cruisers are in evidence among pick-ups and other red-neck vehicles. Some of the white men are in uniform, most are not and various town workers, (i.e., police officer, Fast Food Manager) and fat southern good ol' boys stand guzzling beer around a half-baked burning cross Klan memorial service.
The LESSER DRAGON, a Sinewy white trash handlebar-mustache Custer-type leads the group. He is adorned in Civil War Southern military regalia. Beside him is his overweight but noticeably mulatto sidekick, CLYVE.
THE LESSER DRAGON
We all heard it on the tv. And
we all knows it was government
conspiracy. Long in comin.
KLAN MOB
That's right. Yeah.
THE LESSER DRAGON
Are we gonna let klan brothers
deaths go unavenged?
KLAN MOB
No.
THE LESSER DRAGON
Did the Grand Dragon serve us
long and loyally?
KLAN MOB
Yes.
CLYVE
Jelly Roll was the backbone of
the Klan.
THE LESSER DRAGON
So, are we gonna let those New
York government-backed
liberals get away with it
again?
KLAN MOB
No.
CLYVE
Remember Waco.
THE LESSER DRAGON
Do we have to teach them
radical New York lickshels a
lesson?
KLAN MOB
Yes.
THE LESSER DRAGON
If the government or FBI ain't
gonna help us, whatta we gotta
do?
KLAN MOB
Do it ourselves. Klanbusters.
CLYVE
Like in Oklahoma.
THE LESSER DRAGON
The American way. We gotta
find 'em ourselves.
KLAN MOB
Damn right.
THE LESSER DRAGON
Well what're you waitin' for
boys? Load up them pick-ups
and lets go.
KLAN MOB
Whooee! New York City.
As the Klan mob heads out to New York, Leonard Skinnard's "Sweet Home
Alabama" begins to play. It is an all out Klanebration. Some members break
open Buds, other noticeably Chinese American Good Ol' Boys raise a
confederate flag from one of the Bronco's antennas and others simply shoot
off shotguns in sheer joy, excitement and anticipation of the bloody massacre
to come.
Aerial Convoy Shot: The Klan on their way to New York City.
CUT TO:
EXT ELMIRA HOTEL ST. MARKS STREET - NIGHT
One of the police cruisers leaves. Professor Art Berryman and wacked out nerd assistant Harald stands outside the Elmira.
PROFESSOR ART BERRYMAN
By my calculations this should
be the rallying point for the
rebel forces.
The assistant and Berryman look around. There are plenty of crackheads, drug
dealers, village kids clubbing it, Latino babes and black gangstas hanging.
Definitely no 'rebel forces'.
PROFESSOR BERRYMAN
I can't understand it. We
should at least be able to
find the Jedi-Master or the
directional orb.
NERD ASSISTANT HARROLD
If the master's here, he's in
disguise. Could the
calculations or the processor
have a flaw?
PROFESSOR BERRYMAN
Not a chance. Sit tight. He's
not here yet but there's still
time.
Nonplussed, the professor looks at his calculator watch.
CUT TO:
EXT. EIGHTH STREET PIERS BACK ALLEY - NIGHT.
A white stretch limo with wing antenna eases into the back alley. The licence plate reads "LICK ME" Two black gangsta homeboys with guns stake out the area.
A SUBTITLE AT SCREEN BOTTOM READS
Eighth St. Piers Back alley 7 P.M.
CUT TO:
INT. WHITE STRETCH LIMO - NIGHT
THE TERMINATOR, a big black dope honcho sits between two scantily dressed
whores, one Chinese, one Latino. He is a huge black man covered in gold
chains among them tiny gold C3PO and silver R2D2 figurines. Two lackeys
holding submachine guns sit across from him and another sits across from the
driver. There is a open bottle of champagne in a silver bucket in front of
one of the whores. Gangsta rap plays in the background. Everyone jives.
All of the dialogue is yelled loudly in English but incomprehensible. It is New Jack dope jive. At the bottom of the screen a white calligraphy subtitle bar belatedly mis-translates everybody.
SUBTITLE LIST
TERMINATOR
Where the blasted dazes are
they?
What strikes the hour?
HOME BOY #1
The clock shows the Seventh
plus ten liege.
TERMINATOR
The dastardly blazes.
How am I to conduct business
when my vassals are such
knaves?
HOME BOY #2
'Tis one of the vagaries of
such business.
TERMINATOR
Impertinence?
WHORE #1
Seemed impertinence to me, my
liege.
The Terminator raises his gun.
HOME BOY #2
I plead your pardon my lord
and liege.
He blows Home boy #2's head off.
WHORE #2
Foolish, foolish knave.
One of the men dumps the body.
TERMINATOR
We tarry a few minutes longer
then onto the Hotel Elmira.
To find our reprobate
associates.
CUT TO:
EXT. EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY AND SUPPLY - NIGHT
The gaudy neon sign reads EMPIRE LANES and has a giant neon bowling pin which
rocks back and forth. The alley and supply warehouse is located in New York's
Lower East Side.
SUBTITLE AT SCREEN BOTTOM READS:
"Grand Central Station, New York City, Planet Earth"
As Pizza Boy's Volkswagen bounces down a pot-hole lined street a Stanley Kowalski-type exits the alley yelling "Stella" to a woman who answers "Coming Stan". A couple Harleys are parked outside of Empire Lanes along with what appears to be a vintage 56 Chevrolet convertible and two semi-trailers. The constant sounds of breaking pins and "Strike" emanates from within the building.
Pizza Boy parks on the street across from the alley. Mabeline, Mattie, Pizza Boy and Jen Melburg hop out. Mattie pulls Jen uncomfortably close.
MATTIE
Be good little girl. You got
nothing to worry your tight
little midwest butt about.
At the right front corner of the building a couple black men stand crooning
50's bebop - "Mr. Bass Man". A GQ MAN swings open a door of the Chevy
convertible and two of three ten-pin bowling balls roll out. He loudly yells
'shit, shit, shit' as the balls roll down the street and into . . .
PIZZA BOY
Easy dude, they're just
bowling balls.
Pizza Boy picks one up for him and hands it over. A group of three bouffant
style red haired bowling princesses in hot pants and team t-shirts smoke and
look over the group as they make their way into the alley. "Imperialettes" is
embroidered on the tees backs.
STINGY LULU, a huge 400 lb. woman who wears a curtain dress, supervises a group of almost identical 'Stanley Kowalski' undershirted cigarette smoking GQ CLONES. They carry what appears to be bowling balls from a large semi truck up a stairway fire exit.
STINGY LULU
All the way up boys. That's
right. Straight up to the
warehouse. Keep at it boys
and be careful. We got a lot
a' expensive balls to place.
Gonna be a long night. That
truck is still half-full and
there's another waiting.
MATTIE
Are you sure this is the
place? It's a goddamn bowling
alley warehouse. What's
Terminator doing in a Wop
controlled area like this?
MABELINE
He said Empire Lanes. That's
what I heard.
MATTIE
If that's what he said, lets
get this over with.
As Mattie says this a black cat flies from a tree and crosses their path.
MATTIE
Nobody move - black cat.
Mabeline crosses the black cat's line followed by Pizza Boy and Jen.
MATTIE
Mom! Shit, no. We're in
trouble now.
MABELINE
Forget it. It's just a dumb
cat.
MATTIE
Correction, black cat. And
that cat just came off a tree.
That means its on it's ninth
live. One of us will die
tonight.
MABELINE
You're full of it honey. Come
on.
STINGY LULU
Step up now boys. Get those
balls up. We don't have time
to waste. Bowling season is
coming and the snow is
falling. We gotta keep pace.
Step up boys.
Lulu gives one of the men's butt a pat as the group approaches.
MABELINE
We're here for the tournament.
MATTIE
Yeah, the wild bunch from
Brooklyn. We haven't had time
to register.
The group tries to make their way past Stingy Lulu. She stops them.
STINGY LULU
We're all booked up for the
night. No empty lanes.
MABELINE
Here's our bookin Darlin.
Mabeline pulls a wad of money from her shorts and pushes it into a pocket
under one of Lulu's boobs.
STINGY LULU
Sister, if you folks want to
bowl that bad you have my
permission, but it's at your
own risk.
MATTIE
Thank you ma'am and good luck
with the balls.
CUT TO:
INT. EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
If the men hauling bowling balls from the outside looked a bit out of the
ordinary for nineties New York, Empire Lanes interior ups the ante another
level. It is a throwback to McArthy Era American Kitsch in resplendent
decadence. This is the kind of place where men bowl to prove manhood and
women elate at the power of a moving 20 lb. ball. Undershirt wearing unshaven
men hurl balls down lanes. Curler wearing housewives lust after flying balls.
As much as clothing permits, after making strikes, working men exhibit the
power of love and victory in action. Pins are reset old-style by nubile young
pin boy gods.
GIORGIO ARMANI, a model like studhorse, makes restrained love in the alley's corner with waif-like KATE MOSS, who takes her gum out and sticks it behind her ear.
The patrons who sit at the bar-stool grill look like a cross between figures out of Norman Rockwell and the bar from Star Wars. They watch the great American game of baseball in big screen awe. A few sip on coffee and doughnuts.
Monitoring everything from the bowling shoe rental counter is FRANKIE QUINN. 'Frankie' is a hulking Addams family 'Lurch-like' rental manager who speaks with a low thick British accent. He methodically moves between shoes, scoresheets and the register fitting people for shoes and instantly sizing feet with a hawk-like mafia gaze. Above the rental counter is a pair of ruby slippers with a large white cratered bowling ball atop of them. A sign reads "Rent Shoes Here".
If Frankie is Godfather of shoes then MAMA ROMA QUINN behind the grill is the Hustler centerfold of washerwomen. She is an Amazonian comic-book woman whose body exhibits the power of work. She serves out grub, carries tubs of dishes into the backroom and her body moves with the efficiency of an industrial tractor-trailer. "Wooly Bully" plays background.
As the group walks into the alley each are singularly stunned by various establishment details:
Jen - A virgin's awe at ball-scratching men playing mating rituals.
Pizza Boy - a horny teenage boy's lustful drooling at Mama Roma and her dishwasher's elephantine ways.
Mabeline - Frankie Quinn and his 'foot-gaze' strangeness.
Mattie - the forty plus eligible McArthy era svelte women that he would not mind doing.
MATTIE
Woah Mama! Where the Hell did
this place crawl out of? Holy
Shit. Look at that ass in
motion.
MABELINE
Mind Your manners boy and keep
your eyes open for Terminator.
Frankie sizes up each of the group's feet as they approach. He takes out four
pairs of shoes.
MATTIE
(to Jen)
You know what they say about
the size of a man's feet.
JENNY
Actually, no.
Mattie winks to Jen and suggestively places his fingers on both sides of a
size 13 1/2 shoe which Frankie hands him very impressed.
Frankie lays out the other shoes on the table.
PIZZA BOY
Excuse me dude. You just gave
me a size eight. I usually
take ten and a half.
Frankie looks at Pizza Boy's crotch and nods 'no'.
FRANKIE
(commanding basso)
'8' son.
PIZZA BOY
I usually take a ten and a
half.
MABELINE
(under her breath )
Take the goddamn eights. We're
not here for bowling.
PIZZA BOY
I usually take tens.
Jen notices the clone-like similarity between several of the GQ men and their
consorts. Many carry flashlights hanging by janitor-like wallet chains.
Mattie, Mabeline, Jen and Pizza Boy takes a seat at one of the lanes. Mattie
notices that they have been given lane #13. He nods his head in disbelief.
MATTIE
Put your shoes on boy.
PIZZA BOY
Dude, they're too goddamn
small. I have very sensitive
feet.
MATTIE
Put your shoes on boy or I'm
gonna blow your Pizza pocked
head off.
MABELINE
Any sign of Terminator or the
posse?
Mattie looks around. No Terminator in sight. Jen walks over to the automatic
ball release and catches one of the ten pin balls as it shoots out. She
sensually sticks her virgin fingers in and out of one of the balls three
fingered holes.
PIZZA BOY
What are we gonna do now?
MATTIE
(staring at Jen)
Bowl.
CUT TO:
INT. ST. MARKS HOTEL JOEY'S POV - NIGHT
Joey walks into the room with a brown bag and turns on the cheap hotelroom
radio. It plays Billie Holiday's "Strange Fruit". The door is unhinged.
Because of the police investigation the room is a bloody mess. Steve pours
over the newspaper. The late edition headline reads "Mother-Son Killer Team
in NY". Subheading: "Boise Girl Kidnapped". Another heading reads "Strange
Weather: Early Winter for NY". Joey looks out the window. It is snowing.
Among the crowd on the street are Professor Art Berryman and Harald. Berryman
examines a map and looks toward the Melburg window. Harald nervously wards
off a big black gangsta figure with a boom box.
JOEY
Any more newsflashes Jedi
Master?
STEVE
That's father to you Joey.
JOEY
By definition, aren't fathers
supposed to get their children
out of these types of messes?
STEVE
Easy Joey.
Joey takes part of the newspaper Steve has discarded, crumples it into balls
and starts to shoot baskets into the garbage.
STEVE
Hey, I'm not finished reading
that. Pick those up.
Joey walks to the garbage, slams a couple more balls. He notices the crumpled
doughnut bag.
JOEY
What's this?
Joey uncrumples the bag. Steve walks over. The bag reads 'Stardust
Doughnuts'. Scrawled underneath it is Mabeline's handwriting which reads
"EMPIRE LANES: 11:00 P.M. At this instant from the street Professor Art
Berryman points excitedly to the Melburg window.
JOEY
I'm calling the cops.
CUT TO:
EXT. GAS STATION NEW YORK OUTSKIRTS - NIGHT
Like a bat out of Hell, Nicky Stardust's Duster flies down the interstate
highway weaving between cars and Semis. A rasta version of Bachman Turner
Overdrive's "Takin Care of Business" plays background. The car pulls up to
the filling station and Nicky flies out. A younger rasta service boy
approaches. It is snowing heavily.
NICKY
Fill 'er up.
SERVICE BOY
We got a coffee and doughnuts
special today Mister. You in a
hurry?
NICKY
I'm in no hurry for doughnuts
son. I'm on a holy crusade.
Nicky parks his car and makes his way to the coffee shop to pay his bill. The
service boy looks at the stockpile of guns in the Duster's back.
SERVICE BOY
Holy Crusade. Does that mean
vacation or just passin'
through?
NICKY
Unfinished business.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEW YORK OUTSKIRTS AERIAL - NIGHT
Leonard Skinnard's "Sweet Home Alabama" plays background. The Klan convoy continues on its way to New York City.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. GAS STATION COFFEESHOP - NIGHT
Nicky walks over to a pay telephone and dials.
NICKY
Gimme the Terminator. It's
Mattie Jacks. I know I don't
sound myself. I gotta cold. I
don't got time to hold. I'm at
a pay phone. Does he know
where we're staying? What?
Elmira Hotel #3A. Right.
Thanks.
Nicky hangs up the phone. He writes down the address. As he starts to leave,
members of the Klan convoy pull into the truckstop coffee shop.
CUT TO:
EXT. ST. MARKS STREET - NIGHT
Professor Art Berryman and Harald stand outside the Elmira pointing at the
Melburg's window.
PROFESSOR BERRYMAN
The calculations provide us
with these coordinates. Unless
there's a flaw in the
processor, that's the place.
HARALD
Strange place for a nodal
point but I've double checked
myself.
Steve walks to the window to try and close it. He is unable. Joey comes to
help him. Both are unable. They look out the window. The street light
illuminates them in halo-like flare.
PROFESSOR BERRYMAN
The Jedi master.
HARALD
And the yogic guru.
CUT TO:
INT. STINGY LULU'S - NIGHT
The group sits around a bowling table. Mabeline licks a lead pencil for
scorekeeping while looking for Terminator. Jen picks up a ball. It is
unusually heavy.
JEN
I usually do five pin.
MATTIE
The ball's are just bigger
darlin.
Mattie walks over and stands behind her.
JEN
I got it.
With virginal gentleness Mattie helps her. Together they wind up and throw
the ball. It drops briefly onto Jen's foot but then travels down the lane.
JEN
Owww!
The ball travels slowly. Jen goes through a spectrum of anticipation,
despair, elation, anxiety and building orgasm about her throw. With
excruciating slowness the ball veers almost into the gutter but then into the
pins.
JEN
Strike. I can't believe it.
Jen smiles joyously.
MATTIE
Believe it darlin'. You're
learnin' from the master.
MABELINE
(to Mattie)
You're up honey.
MATTIE
(to Jen)
Let me show you how this moves
in gear.
Mattie looses his hips. One of those cheesy 50's scientific animated diagrams
of a radial axis is superimposed between Matty's hips and the bowling alley's
women. Mattie hurls the ball down the lane in a gesture that openly exhibits
the power of a young buck in heat.
MATTIE
Strike!
JEN
That's what I call bowling.
Jen is taken by Matt's masculine power.
Everybody gets into the bowling action except Pizza Boy.
PIZZA BOY
Goddamn shoes.
Pizza Boy walks up to the ball dispenser. It gurgles out a ball. With the
same virginal awe Jen hands him the ball. In her mini-skirt and leggings she
attracts lustful stares from the GQ types and catty whispers from their
women.
PIZZA BOY
(to Jen)
I'm sure this is way down on
the kidnap victim job
description.
MATTIE
Bowl boy.
Mattie takes a seat next to Mabeline.
MABELINE
Keep your eyes open for the
posse honeybun.
Mattie's eyes are trained on Jenny's cheerleading ass as she continues to get
into the game.
MATTIE
Wide and willin ma'am.
CUT TO:
INTERIOR ELMIRA HOTEL #3B - NIGHT
Joey speaks on the phone.
JOEY
We don't need you in two hours
we need you now. That's why my
sister was kidnapped in the
first place. 911 is a joke.
STEVE
All we can do is sit tight.
JOEY
You sit tight Jedi master.
I've taken just about as much
tight sittin' as this Idaho
punk is able.
Joey pulls out a pair of guns from his brown paper bag.
STEVE
Joey! Where did you get that?
Joey cocks one of the guns.
JOEY
The same place where I'm gonna
put that slime that kidnapped
my sister.
Joey puts on a pair of sunglasses in a Terminator type pose and walks out of
the room. Steve follows.
STEVE
Joey, come back.
CUT TO:
INT. EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
Thoroughly enjoying herself in a middle-aged sex pot kind of way, Mabeline
takes her turn bowling. Mattie, Pizza Boy and Jen sit around the score table.
Roxy Music's "Main Thing" plays.
JEN
You find anything peculiar
about this place?
MATTIE
This isn't Boise Darlin'. This
is New York City. An in New
York City everything's
peculiar.
JEN
But . . . the men. They all
look the same. Like they've
been cloned out of GQ.
The camera focuses on the men and some of the flashlight chains they carry on
their trousers.
MATTIE
How many bowling alleys have
you ever been to in New York?
JEN
None.
MATTIE
I rest my case.
MABELINE
Pizza Boy, yer up.
Pizza Boy looks at his watch.
PIZZA BOY
I hate bowling. How long
before this Terminator shows?
An' my feet. Can I take these
off?
MABELINE
Keep the shoes on Pizza Boy. A
few corns ain't nothing to a
bullet in yer noggin.
Mabeline gestures between her head and a three holed bowling ball.
JEN
Don' always pick on him. It's
not his fault he's stupid.
MATTIE
Easy darlin. Why don' you
scoot over to that bar an'
pick us up a couple pitchers?
Mattie slaps Jen on the rump.
JEN
I don' have my ID and . . .
I'm underage.
MATTIE
Darlin, in this kin' a
establishment they don' ask.
Jen gets up and makes her way to the bar. Mattie marvels at her swinging ass.
MATTIE
(yelling)
Throw in a couple Ho'Ho's for
Pizza Boy.
On the word "Ho Ho's", the camera moves to Stingy Lulu. She methodically
makes her way along the lane corridor carrying a box of bowling pins. She
walks over to Frankie Quinn who is polishing shoes behind the counter. She
pulls out the wad of money Mabeline handed her earlier. They confer. Mama
Roma comes over. Frankie throws a comment at Jen who is in the process of
loading up pitchers. Van Morrison's "Gloria" begins.
PIZZA BOY
I don' eat Ho Ho's dude. I'm
strict Vegan.
MATTIE
Strict what?
MABELINE
He's one of those Captain Kirk
Fans. You know, Sulu,
lieutenant Ohura, Doc McOy.
You know that show?
MATTIE
You mean trekkie but that's
Klingon. He said Vegan.
MABELINE
I thought I heard Klingon.
MATTIE
You really gotta get that
checked.
Jen is led back to the group by Mama Roma.
PIZZA BOY
What were you saying about
taggin' for ID?
With the bowling ball he has just picked up, Mattie turns to gaze at the
scene.
MATTIE
Looks like we might have to
call this game early.
Mabeline checks her gun.
MABELINE
Just when I was beginning to
finish them spares.
Mama Roma and Big Frankie walk over.
MAMA ROMA
You shoulda know better. We
coulda lose our licence.
You'll have to leave.
MATTIE
We ain' finished.
MAMA ROMA
Troublemakers. We don' want
trouble round here, especially
tonight, do we Frank?
BIG FRANKIE
No trouble.
MATTIE
Ma'am. We don' mean to cause
trouble but we can't leave
just yet. You see we're
waitin' on a friend.
MAMA ROMA
You'll have to leave. We're
closing to prepare for the
tournament. Your friend isn't
comin'.
Mattie pulls out a gun and places it on the table in front of him.
MATTIE
This here says he is. Like I
said, we're in the middle of
our game.
MABELINE
He's tellin' you nicely. We
don' wan' trouble.
Big Frankie reaches for the gun. Mattie grabs the gun and blasts Frankie three times in the chest.
MATTIE
Yer supposed to say 'Mother
may I'?
Still standing by the counter, Stingy Lulu flips what looks like a
Frankenstein-like power switch next to her.
MATTIE
Hey, I can't move my feet.
MABELINE
It's the goddamn shoes.
MATTIE
Die shoe man.
Mattie fires a couple more rounds into Big Frankie. Strangely, he is blown
back but does not die.
PIZZA BOY
Shit.
Mabeline launches a bowling ball at Big Frankie which knocks him straight in
the head backwards.
MABELINE
Take off the shoes. Untie the
laces.
Mabeline tries to untie her laces and free herself of the magnetic shoes.
Mama Roma approaches.
MABELINE
Don't take a step.
Mattie, who has succeeded in taking off his shoes, makes his way to Mabel.
Mama Roma takes a bullet in the chest.
Jen, who has also managed to take off her shoes, runs over to Pizza Boy and helps him with the laces.
The rest of the GQ bowlers, bowling wives and baseball watching Norman Rockwell crowd, stop their activities.
The pace of the song "GLORIA" increases. As "G-L-O-R-I-A" blasts, Mattie with killer precision goes through the actions of 1) freeing his mother, 2) locating Jen and Pizza Boy, 3) scanning out an escape route, 4) determining who and who will not get in the group's way.
Slow mo: GIORGIO ARMANI puts down a bowling ball and fingers the chain which holds his flash-light apparatus in place. KATE MOSS, his waif girlfriend, strokes her hand down his chest and narrowly misses his crotch in favor of squeezing the end of his silver flashlight in a phallic gesture.
Mattie takes out a knife and slices the laces of Mabeline's bowling shoes down the middle so his mother can escape. Mattie glances up at a distant Moss.
MABELINE
Ahh, my foot.
Slow motion: a small pool of blood oozes from Mabeline's foot.
MATTIE
Shit. What the hell is going
on?
MABELINE
This is definitely no regular
ten pin alley.
Barefoot, Pizza Boy comes running toward them.
PIZZA BOY
Take the fucking shoes off.
Put the fucking shoes on.
You'll just get corns Pizza
Boy. I knew something was up.
The fucking shoes didn't fit.
MABELINE
Shut up Pizza Boy. If you want
to get out of here alive.
CUT TO:
EXT. ELMIRA HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
It is beginning to snow heavily. Joey and Steve bound down the stairs.
Professor Berryman and Harald make their way toward the doors. As Steve and
Joey fly out the doors Steve's yuppie clothing and Joey's cyberpunk
skateboard attire metamorphose into Obie-Wan Kenobi and Yoda-like robes. The
skateboard transforms into a silver surfer board.
PROFESSOR BERRYMAN
The Jedi master!
HARALD
(somewhat amazed)
And the yogic guru. He looks
like one of those
skateboarding punks.
JOEY
What the Hell is going on?
STEVE
Oh my God, my dream. The final
intergalactic conflict. I
can't believe it.
JOEY
Final intergalactic what?
PROFESSOR BERRYMAN
The nodal point. We were
right.
HARALD
But where is the directional
orb?
CUT TO:
INT. ELMIRA HOTEL ROOM #3B - NIGHT
Among the overturned wreckage of Mabel and Mattie's room, the garbage can
begins to glow. Inside of the can the crumpled paper "StarDust Doughnuts" bag
spins. A sexy Pakistani chambermaid vacuums the room. Unfazed, the maid
takes out a container from her cleaning cart labelled "Industrial Strength
cleaner and Disinfectant". The can levitates. The Pakistani maid looks in
disgust at the levitating can. She closes the door, places a "Courtesy Clean
Provided for You" banner over the door and goes to the next room.
CUT TO:
INT. EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
Mattie and Mabeline have guns trained on Frankie, Stingy Lulu and Mama Roma.
The threesome do not look worried.
MABELINE
Don' anyone move.
MATTIE
No one gets hurt. Step back
folks. Nice an' easy.
The routine does not seem to be working.
Giorgio Armani eases his hand toward his flashlight.
Stingy Lulu reaches toward the box of bowling pins.
Empire Lanes bowling league patrons look each other over. Who are the enemy? Who are regular bowlers out for a night of ten pin?
A previously hurled bowling ball drops into the gutter.
Giorgio Armani runs his hand over an unshaven face, wipes the sweat off a tanned brow - a bullfighter about to do battle.
With Alien-like synchronicity, Frankie, Stingy Lulu and Mama Roma regroup. A "Darth Vadar" inhuman breathing emanates from Frankie's mouth.
A single pin rocks among a ten pin formation. It drops.
BOWLING WOMAN
Oh - my - God.
MATTIE
What the Hell is that?
A woman screams maniacally.
From her hiding place under the score table, Jen looks up in terror.
Gun pointed at the Gruesomes, Mabeline looks at the threesome with astonishment. Frankie's 'Darth Vadar' breathing continues to terrorize the room.
Grabbing the terror-stricken Jen from under the table, Mattie gauges the enormous distance to the bowling alley's exit.
ABBA'S "Take a Chance" begins to play on bowling alley speakers.
Taking out a small black comb from his pocket, Giorgio Armani pulls it model like through his greaser hair. The distance between the exit and the group is not lost on him. His hand comes down his side. The flashlight apparatus blinks red. Armani puts his hand out. The flashlight flies into it - light sabre! He walks toward the group - a model down a runway. He stops about 10 feet from them and powers up the laser.
Mabeline stands with legs outstretched. She is ready for anything this outer space bastard can dish.
MABELINE
Play with mama baby.
The pair face off. Armani does a Hijitsu like series of moves with the laser.
Mabeline fires a shot. Wide. Armani does a flying forward roll hooking
himself so his crotch is against Mabeline's head. In other circumstances the
camera angle would have a different meaning. Armani does a peacock-like laser
demonstration before . . .
Mattie blows Armani's Alien head off.
MATTIE
That's what I call a blowjob.
Armani's laser clanks to the ground. Mabeline picks it up.
Jen is in a state of religious shock.
Mabeline now takes the light sabre from the decapitated Armani and goes hog wild. She is a rebel fightin', alien bashin', red hot laser wieldin' 'Princess Leia' savin' machine.
MABELINE
I could get used to this.
MATTIE
Let's get the hell out Mom.
Mattie, Jen and Pizza Boy run toward the bowling alley doors.
STINGY LULU
You kids ain't goin' anywhere.
Stingy Lulu hurls a bowling pin. It flies fan-like through the air and
explodes against a table behind the group.
Frankie hits a switch next to the shoe desk. It sends a huge set of steel doors clanging shut over the bowling alley's glass doors.
FRANKIE
(Darth Vadar voice)
We have an intergalactic
mission to finish. You're
wasting our time earthlings.
It's closing time for your
planet. Assume tactical
formations and obliterate
them. We must prepare for the
deathstar.
The GQ Alien men and their "Stella-like" McArthy Era consorts assume Storm trooper formations and methodically attack. Some attack with light sabres. Others shoot laser fire out of blast guns.
A fifties type nuclear American family out for a night of R&R is
wholeheartedly slaughtered by laser wielding alien invaders.
A souped up house version of ABBA's "Dancing Queen" fills the background.
American fathers attempt to protect bowling ball holding wives and children from the carnage.
What follows is a cross between a finely honed Bruce-Lee Hong Kong show of sublime Karate gymnastic manoeuvres by Mabeline and an example of down to earth Mid-West American common sense by the rest of the group.
Mabeline Jacks transforms into a one woman 'Princess Leia' rebel fighting machine. Her whole life has been a build-up to this moment.
Close-up: Mabeline's weird hairstyle assumes its rightful place. She touches her two hair rings.
MABELINE
Yes!
She and Mattie's petty criminal dirty fighting ways are actualized in all their bloody glory.
Young New York toughs are slaughtered by alien light sabres.
A bastion of beer-bellied elderly New York Jews attempt to fend off the invaders somewhat successfully with the old 'get-'em-with-the-rolling bowling-balls routine.
FRANKIE
Obliterate them. They are
fooling with the balls.
Certain balls have special significance for the aliens. GQ men form bastions
around them.
Mabeline's light sabre cuts to half-power and then fades like a wilting erection.
MABELINE
Shit. I thought these things
were nuclear powered.
Pizza Boy, Jen and Mattie acquire blast guns and light sabres from bowling ball stricken aliens.
First girlfriend of slain alien Giorgio Armani, Kate Moss, wields her way toward Mabeline. Exhausted from the Leia routine, Mabeline does not see Moss approach.
Kate Moss gymnastically somersaults toward Mabeline.
MATTIE
Watch out.
Mabeline ducks in time. Kate Moss flies over her.
Mabeline picks up another sabre.
Kate Moss comes in for the kill doing a hip cake walk down the alley runway. On her shoulder is a small black cat "Purina - Nine Lives" tattoo.
STINGY LULU
Work it girl.
Pizza Boy manages to get over to the nuclear pins and sends one toward a
group of GQ men coming at Jen. The bomb doesn't kill them all but puts a
satisfactory dent in the tactical formations.
Several alien storm troupers form battle formations against a group of incoming bowling balls.
Frankie Quinn is at the shoe rental desk forming a vanguard.
Stingy Lulu comes up to the group of ingenious American elderly Jews and vaporizes all three.
STINGY LULU
The balls are not to be fooled
with earthlings.
Jen goes head to head with two Pin boy Gods. While the Pin boy Gods are
trained alien fighters, Jen holds her own with an all-american-girl-baton
majorette-twirling-savvy.
JEN
(twirling sabre)
I knew this would come in
useful one day.
Kate Moss is a light sabre wielding, violent voguing model.
MATTIE
Oh my God, Mom watch out.
KATE MOSS
You killed my mate. For this
you must die earthling.
MABELINE
Sister. It was either him or
me.
Stingy Lulu sends another pin bomb flying.
JEN
Mabeline.
MATTIE
Duck.
Mabeline cannot hear the warnings. The pin explosion is a direct hit. It
sends Mabeline injured and flying half-way down a lane. Kate Moss approaches
for the kill.
KATE MOSS
You killed my blood mate
earthling.
MABELINE
Easy darlin'. You'll find
another one. What do you want
to be faghag to that GQ
beefcake anyways?
Moss swings her light sabre cutting a bowling ball straight down the middle
and narrowly missing Mabeline.
KATE MOSS
Because he was my fag beefcake
earthling.
Fighting two GQ men, Mattie finishes them off and flies to his mothers
rescue.
Frankie Quinn has spotted Jen. He is rethinking tactics, regrouping what is left of his alien troup. He sends Mama Roma off to finish off Jen and Pizza Boy.
Pizza Boy makes a valiant but misguided effort to help Jen. With a single arm tactic Mama Roma sends him upwards and flying down one of the bowling alley lanes.
FRANKIE
Strike.
Pins go flying - Pizza Boy among them.
Laser wieldin' Mama Roma continues toward Jen.
Mattie must make a decision whether to help his mom or Jen.
MABELINE
Mattie.
MATTIE
Hold on mom.
Mattie chooses Jen.
Jen loses ground to Mama Roma.
Mattie shows up disabling her laser wieldin' arm. Green Alien gumbo oozes out of Mama Roma's arm as she retreats in alien screams of pain. As Mattie turns, he sees Mabeline making a final effort to evade Moss. Mattie notices the cat tattoo.
MATTIE
Mom, the cat, watch out.
Mabeline strains and turns to hear his warning.
MABELINE
What? Speak up!
With all of her alien voguing panache, Kate Moss lowers the sabre onto
Mabeline.
MATTIE
No.
Mabeline is vaporized.
CUT TO:
EXT. ELMIRA HOTEL ST MARKS STREET - NIGHT
Terminator's white limousine screeches to a halt in front of the Elmira. Two
semi-automatic wieldin' homeboys hop out. They move quickly past Berryman,
Harald, Joey and Steve who stand on the street corner trying to hail a taxi.
The way the group are dressed it is no surprise that no one will pick them
up.
CUT TO:
INT. ELMIRA HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
Wielding semi-automatics, the home boys make their way through the lobby to
room #3B. One of the homeboys takes off and puzzles over the "Courtesy
Cleaned For You" banner from the door. The other homeboy tries to open the
door. Locked. He kicks it open.
CUT TO:
INT. ROOM #3A - NIGHT
The directional orb. It spins out in laser-like radiance "EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY". The homeboys can only look at the orb - stunned, confused, amazed.
CUT TO:
INT. ELMIRA HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
With the seasoned slowness of a mafia don, Terminator methodically makes his way down the hallway.
CUT TO:
INT. ROOM # 3A - NIGHT
Terminator witnesses the directional orb.
TERMINATOR
Holy shit.
SUBTITLE AT SCREEN BOTTOM
Holy shit.
CUT TO:
INT. EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
After witnessing his mom's vaporization, Mattie is miffed to say the least.
His rage turns on Kate Moss.
MATTIE
You alien Bitch.
He flies toward Moss.
KATE MOSS
You wouldn't pick on a woman
half your size?
MATTIE
Watch me and die slowly.
They duel. Mattie puts an even higher slit into Moss's outfit and then lazes
her alien guts around the alley.
By this time, the carnage has practically emptied the previously full alley.
What is left of the alien GQ and model troupes have been recalled to either
guard bowling balls or regroup by Frankie and Lulu. The remaining bowlers
are mostly dead, injured or vaporized.
What is left on the alien side is a flustered Frankie Quinn, Stingy Lulu, oozing Mama Roma and a couple troupes of GQ and model alien stormtroupers milling about or carrying bowling balls up a stairway.
CUT TO:
INT. ELMIRA HOTEL ROOM #3A - NIGHT
Two homeboys and Terminator stand stunned in front of the directional orb.
Subtitles at Screen Bottom Read:
HOME BOY #1
What does it say?
TERMINATOR
Read it.
HOME BOY #1
I can't read.
The letters of the directional orb change from English spelling out "Empire
Lanes Bowling Alley" to funky New Jack Dope Jive Airbrushed Graffiti markings
@CatChill PUre City. As the letters change, the gangstas decode.
SUBTITLE AT SCREEN BOTTOM
EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY - NOW.
CUT TO:
INT. GAS STATION COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
Skinnard plays background. The men of the Klan convoy sit around the
truckstop coffee shop for a coffee break meeting. A few good ol' boys eat
meals but most have taken the coffee and doughnuts.
LESSER DRAGON
The trick is how to find those
two.
CLYVE
Needle in a haystack. New York
City isn't Rockytalk.
LESSER DRAGON
Fer damn sure.
A voice sounds in the Lesser Dragon's head.
MABELINE V.O
Use the force.
LESSER DRAGON
What?
CLYVE
I said New York sure isn't
Rockytalk.
Materializing over the coffeeshop counter glass doughnut tray, Mabeline
appears to the Lesser Dragon. She is still in her daisy dukes but now
wielding a lightsabre and appearing as a cross between a heroic ghost-like
Princess Leia and exotic pole dancer.
LESSER DRAGON
It's one of those exotic
dancers.
Neither Clyve nor anyone else appears to notice Mabeline.
CLYVE
That's no dancer, it's jes'
doughnuts. You sure yer
alright from all that driving?
LESSER DRAGON
I'm alright.
The Lesser Dragon's monologue continues as he alternates between figuring out
that no one but him can see Mabeline and his comments on the spectacle.
LESSER DRAGON (V.0)
You'se the bitch we's lookin'
for.
MABELINE
Watch yer language, boy.
Illegal aliens have landed.
The fate of the human race
lies in your hands.
LESSER DRAGON (V.O)
Whooeee. Just like that
princess in that space movie.
MABELINE
Get back in that pickup and
get your Redneck ass down to
Empire Lanes Bowling Alley. We
gotta get these aliens out.
The fate of the universe lies
in your hands boy.
The image fades. The Lesser Dragon gets up with renewed vigour.
LESSER DRAGON
What are we waitin for boys?
We gotta move.
The convoy continues. Continue the Leonard Skinnard.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
The aliens concern themselves with activities relating to the transport of certain bowling balls. Jen runs to Mattie. She is scared and wielding a light sabre. Mattie looks over the remains of what used to be Mabeline.
JEN
God, I'm sorry.
MATTIE
I bet.
Mattie opens up the sack of cocaine lying next to Mabeline's remains.
JEN
Don't.
MATTIE
Overlooking the facts that an
intergalactic alien bitch just
vaporized my mother and we're
trapped in here for an
impending turkey shoot.
JEN
There wasn't anything you
could have done.
MATTIE
What do you care?
Jen blows away the line of coke Mattie has made.
JEN
If there's one thing I hate
worse than alien bitch killers
it's addict excuses and
quitters. We still can make it
out.
MATTIE
You know?
JEN
I know Mabeline meant a lot to
you. (Beat) I'm beginning to
care less about what happened
between us in the past.
MATTIE
What's that mean?
Jen takes the dope bag away from him.
JEN
It means loser, I'm trying to
tell you I'm beginning to like
you.
Frankie's Darth Vadar breathing emanates throughout the room. Pizza Boy runs toward them.
PIZZA BOY
Dudes. We gotta figure a way
to get out of this place and
warn the proper authorities.
Mattie looks toward the shut steel door.
MATTIE
Let's take this authority shit
step by step. First we figure
out how to get out.
CUT TO:
EXT. ELMIRA HOTEL - NIGHT
It is snowing heavily. Bob Marley's "One Love" plays background here and the
next few scenes. Nicky Stardust's Duster pulls up outside of the Elmira. A
couple police cars are already present. Nicky hops out amid a cloud of ganja.
He is laden with two concealed sawed off shotguns - the rasta John Wayne.
CUT TO:
INT. ELMIRA HOTEL - NIGHT
Nicky makes his way past the beleaguered desk clerk and the previous sexy
Pakistani maid who now chats with Marylou Hart from "PRESENT REGARD". The
maid seems to be describing the directional orb. Hopping past a couple
yellow taped "Police - Do Not Cross" barriers, Nicky makes his way to 3B.
CUT TO:
INT. ELMIRA HOTEL ROOM #3B - NIGHT
As casually as possible, Nicky makes his way into the room. Police,
scientists and media personnel puzzle over the directional orb. It flashes
out "EMPIRE LANES".
NICKY
Now, that's advertising.
CUT TO:
EXT. EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
Aerial shot. The roof of the bowling alley is being transformed into a deathstar docking pad. A mass of GQ alien troupes mill about carrying equipment into position and preparing for the deathstar's arrival. The nuclear balls form a glowing pad circle. Each of the balls glows with nuclear resonance and the previous rocking pin from Empire Lane's sign has transformed into a laser emitting beacon.
CUT TO:
INT. EMPIRE LANES - NIGHT
A GQ alien carries a bowling ball up a set of stairs. A waif model alien has
snuck up on Jen. Using his new found talent with the light sabre, Pizza Boy
vaporizes them both.
PIZZA BOY
And all these years I thought
it was me. They were fucking
aliens.
MATTIE
There's too many.
JEN
Up those stairs.
The three make their way up the stairs.
CUT TO:
EXT. EMPIRE LANES ROOFTOP LANDING PAD - NIGHT
The three bear witness to the landing pad set-up. The alley's rooftop is quickly being transformed into the Deathstar landing post and mission control.
PIZZA BOY
Definitely not the way out.
JEN
We've got to disable this pad
and that beacon.
MATTIE
First, the question is how to
save our skins. We're
outnumbered.
PIZZA BOY
Dudes, I don't know how much
longer I can hold out. My feet
are killing me.
CUT TO:
INT. TAXI - NIGHT
Professor Berryman, Harald, Joey and Steve sit in the same previous gypsi
taxi as it pulls down a New York Street.
STEVE
Like I said I'm Steve Melburg
from Boise and this is my son
Joey. My daughter Jen has been
kidnapped by two Southern
thugs but as far as this alien
angle goes.
JOEY
Trust the force dad. Listen to
what they're saying.
BERRYMAN
You are the appointed Jedi
master and this is the yogic
guru.
HARALD
You are the planet's only
hope. You must believe us.
JOEY
Why does this remind me of a
cyber comic?
STEVE
This is no comic Joey. This is
life.
BERRYMAN
And the planet's future is in
your hands.
JOEY
It's true dad. Remember what
you were saying? Isn't this
why we came to New York in the
first place? If you want to go
back to Boise and see a shrink
go but we in this taxi
believe, so make a decision.
Who are you, Steve Melburg
flipped out Boise data entry
clerk or Steve Melburg,
Appointed Jedi Master of the
Rebel alliance?
Steve ponders the situation. He must make a decision.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEW YORK STREETS - NIGHT
The Klan convoy makes its way through New York Streets. The convoy is led by
a Redneck pickup. Skinnard's "Sweet Home Alabama" plays.
CUT TO:
INT. REDNECK PICKUP - NEW YORK - NIGHT
Clyve and the Lesser Dragon sit in a souped up good ol' boys pick-up.
CLYVE
Back in ninety me an'
Jellyroll did a round. Gulf
war. Koowait. Now that was
another planet. With them
wells burnin' and them Iraqis
on that Jeehad. You can bet
your ass we was glad we got
back to the good ol' U.S. of
A.
As Clyve delivers his monologue, the sound switches to concentrate on the
radio's "Sweet Home Alabama" and the Lesser Dragon's gaze above the dash.
He's having another visitation from a tiny translucent Mabeline about the
size of a little miniature dash ornament. She materializes wielding a light
sabre. As bowling balls and pins materialize around her, she smashes them.
MABELINE V.O
Use the force.
The Lesser Dragon hears her voice. Clyve talks through this. He does not see
or hear anything.
MABELINE V.O
Aid the Jedi master.
LESSER DRAGON
Who is that?
MABELINE V.O
His name is Steven Melburg and
he is from the State of Idaho.
Mabeline fades out.
LESSER DRAGON
Wait, the address.
MABELINE V.O.
Use the force.
Clyve's monologue fades back in.
CLYVE
And now look how fucked it is,
Jellyroll dead eatin' a
cruller. The government
totally out of control. No
wonder we gotta take things
into our own hands . . .
The Lesser Dragon feels the force like an erection inside him and turns the
convoy in a series of weird directions following the force's uncanny pull.
CUT TO:
INT. EMPIRE LANES - NIGHT
The outside door that was previously sealed shut starts to resonate and then
blows wide open. Steve, Joey, Professor Berryman, Harald and the curious
cabbie stand in a Star Wars action pose ready to carry out any mission that
is needed. A light sabre flies into Steve's hand. He is quite amazed.
Another flies into Joey's.
JOEY
Cool.
Joey fires up his laser.
JOEY
And you said reading comics
was a waste of time.
Stingy Lulu, Mama Roma and Frankie Quinn look at the incoming menace. More
distraction from the task at hand.
STINGY LULU
The Jedi Master.
STEVE
So everyone tells me.
FRANKIE QUINN
(Darth Vadar voice)
Obliterate them.
STEVE
More New York hospitality.
FRANKIE QUINN
This moment has been long in
coming.
GQ men move in on the new group.
STEVE
How do you use this thing?
An exploding pin comes flying in. Off the mark but loud and shocking enough
for Steve to put it into gear.
JOEY
Don't trust your eyes. Stretch
out with your feelings.
Two GQ men come in. A power is beginning to take a hold of Steve. At first
Steve is clumsy and scared, in several instances almost getting killed in a
Woody Allenish mousy way. Then the force begins to work its effect. It is
akin to slowly being injected with a litre of testosterone.
JOEY
Use the Goddamn force dad.
STEVE
I never read the comic.
Where's the on switch?
An alien almost vaporizes him. Steve is forced to get the hang of the light
sabre pronto. In retaliation he vaporizes one of the GQ men in a Hijitsu-like
move.
JOEY
Nice.
BERRYMAN
The Jedi master is a quick
learner.
HARALD
(narrowly averting death)
Not quick enough for my taste
professor.
Harald picks up two dropped laser blasters and throws one to the professor
and another to the cabbie.
A troupe of GQ men mount an all out attack.
STEVE
Behold the power of the force.
Singlehandedly, Steve drives an entire troupe of GQ men backwards. Now, Steve
takes his proper patriarchal position.
STEVE (CONT'D)
I am the fulfilment of the
prophecy. I am gathering my
armies. Tremble ye mighty, the
wayward son has returned.
Attend to the anointed Jedi
Master or I make stardust of
you. The earth is my planet. I
shall protect her with all the
power at my command.
JOEY
(proudly)
That's my dad.
HARALD
I think he's got it.
The group fight their way up the stairs.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. EMPIRE LANES ROOFTOP DOCKING PAD - NIGHT
Jen, Pizza Boy and Mattie look nervously about at the overwhelming number of
aliens on the rooftop. GQ men have stepped up placing bowling balls. A
concentric landing pad has almost been completed.
JEN
What's that noise?
PIZZA BOY
More trouble.
At the other side of the rooftop, fighting Steve Melburg and his rag-tag
rebel force make it to the rooftop.
JEN
No it's not. It's my dad.
Other end of rooftop.
STEVE
What is all of this Professor?
PROFESSOR BERRYMAN
Intergalactic landing pad
Steve. And our job is to
disable this baby before they
dock the deathstar and turn
the planet into cold storage.
Steve and Harald notice Jen and Mattie fighting aliens.
HARALD
The Jedi master's daughter.
BERRYMAN
Time is of the essence Jedi
Master. We've got to disable
this pad before they complete
the oscillator.
JOEY
Complete the what? What about
all of these bowling balls?
BERRYMAN
Thermonuclear detonators Joey.
HARALD
We cannot allow them to
complete the circle.
STEVE
Tell us what you need
professor.
BERRYMAN
Time and cover. This will be
no easy task.
CUT TO:
FIGHTING AND DERAILMENT MONTAGE - NIGHT
Technotronic's "Move this" fills the background. Steve and Joey become honed
fighting machines. While they provide cover, Berryman and Harald begin the
derailment of the landing pad operation.
Berryman and Harald puzzle over how to derail the resonating thermonuclear balls.
Jen and Mattie begin to fight their way to the Master.
Steve takes on a troupe of lividly angry GQ men.
Stingy Lulu and a somewhat patched up Mama Roma and Frankie Quinn have donned alien uniforms and make their way up the stairs among a new set of troupes.
A tiny female alien waif with a laser-junior approaches Harald. (She was briefly seen earlier with the prep family girls at the airport.)
JEN
Awww, look Joey, she's so
cute.
Joey vaporizes the tiny waif who has managed to approach Harald.
JEN
Joey!
JOEY
Sorry sis, it was either alien
Pippy Longstockings or Harald
and the planet.
Berryman takes out an electronic tool kit and toys with the thermonuclear
balls.
Steve fends off a group of GQ men. He is in full fighting Jedi form. His gymnastic prowess is pure visual pleasure.
Stingy Lulu, Quinn and Mama Roma have made it up the stairs and look on the disturbance. They are not pleased.
CUT TO:
EXT. EMPIRE LANES - NIGHT
Terminator and his boys ease up in the white limo. The boys hop out
brandishing semi-automatics. Holding a larger "Rambo-type" rocket gun,
Terminator exits slowly. A trio of sexy prep school girls (seen at airport)
guard the doors. The homeboy posse chuckles at the guard's puniness.
PREP SCHOOL GIRL #1
Closed black man.
SUBTITLE AT SCREEN BOTTOM
HOME BOY #1
These small white bitches sure
got a badass attitude.
HOME BOY #2
You can says that again.
The two men laugh. One of the home boys picks up one of the waifs and lifts
her out of the way. As he does so, her friend coquettishly winks at him and
then reaches for her laser. She vaporizes the homeboy.
Home boy #1 looks on in terror. He fires bullets which do not kill the prep girls but as far as semi-automatic and prep girl-like alien forms go, the gun does no small damage.
Waif #2 speaks into a modelish walkie-talkie apparatus.
PREP GIRL #3
Send relief. More intruders
have arrived.
A troup of GQ's starts toward the posse.
Terminator lets off one of the rocket grenades. As well as putting a large
dent in the alley, the bomb scatters the incoming troupe. Terminator and what
remains of his posse make their way in.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. EMPIRE LANES ROOFTOP - NIGHT
The fighting continues.
Longshot from the rooftop: the arrival of the Klan convoy.
Jen loses ground.
Pizza Boy hides exhausted behind a bowling crate instead of fighting.
Steve fights. He is visibly fatigued.
With the energy of youth, Joey in tandem with Mattie use their skills to fight aliens and make their way around the landing pad protecting Berryman and Harald who work on disabling balls.
Stingy Lulu methodically gives orders to GQ troupes biding her time between the present trouble and the imminent arrival of the death star.
Frankie Quinn's breathing emanates throughout the rooftop. He is annoyed.
Exhausted and vulnerable, Jen misses a laser twirl. She drops the laser baton. The GQ alien fighting her uses it to his advantage.
The GQ man clashes and manages to relieve Jen of her laser. He now goes for the kill.
Steve comes to Jen's aid. Another GQ man has been anticipating this. The alien takes advantage of the situation. Throwing himself onto the ledge, Steve must negotiate between the ledge and saving Jen.
Steve loses his balance and leverage. The second GQ man moves in. Joey runs to his father's aid. The distance is too large. Joey throws his laser javelin-style to save his father. It is the only hope.
Direct hit. The laser puts a hole through the center of the GQ alien who incredibly still fights. Steve is at least able to regain balance.
Jen is assaulted by a new troupe of aliens. She cannot hold on. Steve watches in horror as the thoroughly exhausted Jen is taken hostage and brought to Stingy Lulu.
JEN
(screaming)
No.
With his last bit of alien-life, the GQ man turns with Tasmanian devil fury on the Jedi master. It is all Steve can do to hold on. In his death fury, the alien severely injures Steve and is about to kill him. Mattie lases the alien but then looks up in despair when:
The Klan and Terminator's posse arrives. The troupe that is advancing on the Jedi Master and Mattie turns. Custer-like and steel sabre bearing, the Lesser Dragon leads in the fightin' red-necks. One carries a confederate flag. Another carries a ghetto which plays "Sweet Home Alabama". They have already been through some action. The group looks like a cross between an advertisement for Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A." and that famous painting Washington Crossing the Delaware.
THE LESSER DRAGON
Show these fucking aliens what
we'se made of boys.
While the good ol' boys and posse are systematically carnaged, they are at
least able to divert the aliens' attention from the severely injured Jedi
master
CLYVE
(firing off double barrel shotgun)
Made in America.
As Clyve says this, Terminator appears. He is in full - Mr. T. dope honcho
regalia and lets the rocket launcher off on a group of aliens gaining grounds
toward Harald and Berryman.
Running through the flying wreckage, Mattie approaches Steve.
MATTIE
You alright?
STEVE
I don't think so.
CUT TO:
EXT. EMPIRE LANES - NIGHT
Nicky Stardust's Duster pulls up. He flies out of a car full of ganja smoke.
He looks in amazement at the rooftop fireworks display and blasting. He
notices Terminator's white limo and plates - "Lick Me".
CUT TO:
INT. EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
Nicky enters the ravaged alley. He checks his John Wayne guns. It looks like
a twister has hit the alley. Bodies lay strewn everywhere and the alley is a
goddamn mess.
NICKY
I guess the parties started.
CUT TO:
EXT. EMPIRE LANES ROOFTOP - NIGHT
Berryman, Harald and Mattie rally around the injured Jedi Master.
MATTIE
Don't worry. You're gonna be
alright.
STEVE
Professor?
BERRYMAN
Rest now. We need more time.
You've done all you can.
Steve takes Mattie's arm.
STEVE
You've got to save Jen.
Mattie looks over to alien mission control. Jen is nowhere in sight.
STEVE (Contd)
Promise me you won't let those
aliens get my daughter.
MATTIE
I promise.
Mattie and Pizza Boy exit to save Jen.
Joey shows up.
JOEY
Dad.
STEVE
Whatever happens Joey, I want
to thank you.
JOEY
It's okay dad. You're going to
be alright.
Steve fades. The remaining rallying Klan forces show up. They have been joined by Terminator and his Posse in a racially integrated attack on the aliens.
THE LESSER DRAGON
Steve Melburg of Boise?
Joey points out the mortally wounded master.
J0EY
That would be my dad.
THE LESSER DRAGON
The Jedi master?
STEVE
Yes.
THE LESSER DRAGON
I must speak with him.
JOEY
If you're here to help us . .
.
STEVE
These aliens are trying to
turn the planet into a deep
freeze and . . .
Steve cringes in pain.
THE LESSER DRAGON
What can we do?
JOEY
Professor?
Steve motions towards Berryman and Harald who are finishing work on a wrist
size disabler ring.
BERRYMAN
If we can just get this to the
oscillator, we can disable the
whole process.
THE LESSER DRAGON
What's the problem?
BERRYMAN
That.
Berryman points to the heavily guarded alien oscillator enclave.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
Mattie and Pizza Boy make their way down into the blown out alley - a
bowler's worst nightmare.
PIZZA BOY
One thing's for sure dude.
MATTIE
What?
PIZZA BOY
I'm not gonna be doing any 10
pin for a long while.
Weird alien porno breathing emanates from a storage room. The two fighters look at each other.
CUT TO:
EXT. EMPIRE LANES ROOFTOP - NIGHT
The Klan and Terminator protect Harald and Berryman while they attempt the
final deactivation of the intergalactic cooler.
Clyve and Joey move Steve out.
JOEY
We gotta get you to a hospital
Dad.
STEVE
It's too late for that Joey.
Protect your sister and save
the planet.
Steve dematerializes into thin air.
JOEY
Dad, no.
CUT TO:
EXT. EMPIRE LANES BOWLING BALL STORAGE ROOM - NIGHT
Mattie and Pizza Boy make their way through the ravaged bowling alley. In the
distance they hear Jen's cries.
JEN (V.O)
Stop. Get away from me you
middle-aged creep.
FRANKIE QUINN (V.O)
Shackle the earthling. I will
mate her now.
Mattie and Pizza Boy step up the pace toward Jen's cries.
CUT TO:
INT. BOWLING BALL STORAGE ROOM - NIGHT
Mattie enters a bowling ball filled storage room. Hanging on meat racks are
hundreds of alien skin suits. The skin suits are made up of
clothing/skin/body combinations and are divided into male GQ and sexy female
housewife and models.
On one side of the room are alien replacement troupes. Shrivelled ugly dark miniatures scurry out of a huge glowing green vat and zip on GQ skin suits allowing them to assume human form.
Chained spread eagle with laser bonds behind Frankie Quinn is Jen. Frankie Quinn has his lecherous alien hand on her and breathes with porno Darth Vader sighing. He lecherously smiles as she struggles.
JEN'S POV: Frankie Quinn's giant alien feet.
Jen spots Mattie and Pizza Boy.
JEN
Oh my god. Help.
Frankie Quinn turns. Mattie and Pizza Boy fire up their lasers.
Mattie and Pizza Boy stare in disgust at Quinn's humongous feet and the jackhammer vibration around his midsection.
MATTIE
(firing up laser)
In the immortal words of Mae
West is that an alien in your
pants or are you just happy to
see me.
Picking up the box of exploding bowling pins, Pizza Boy runs over to the vat
in a diversionary tactic.
Mattie moves in toward Jen. Trying to save the vat, Quinn is caught off guard and forced to move away from Jen.
FRANKIE QUINN
Stop the earthling. No. You
mustn't.
With all his strength Pizza Boy sends the box of pins flying pie style into the vat. Explosion.
FRANKIE QUINN
No.
Life suits and alien life forms go flying everywhere. The new supply of
aliens is successfully cut off!
Mattie frees Jen.
JEN
That fucking alien was going
to violate me.
Jen picks up a laser.
The remaining vatless and naked aliens are caught with their pants down. Some rush for lasers, others finish zipping on suits and others simply hide in sheer terror.
Mattie, Jen and Pizza Boy obliterate them with their lasers. Without their suits in the earth climate their bodies burn like microwaved Velveeta cheese.
Frankie Quinn moves on Mattie.
Mattie is Frankie's match. With prowess and stealth they duel until Quinn gets the upper hand. Mattie is a second away from death.
With a flying mighty morphin Power Rangers drop kick and all of his yogic strength Joey flies in, placing his flying foot directly on Frankie Quinn's face. It implodes with a grotesque crack-squishing noise.
Frankie Quinn utters in Slow mo.
FRANKIE QUINN
The yodic master. No.
Frankie Quinn now lies prone on the ground Joey on top of him. Inverting his
laser Joey plunges it with all of his strength straight into Quinn's chest.
JOEY
Die Shoe Man.
Quinn dies with a evil alien orgasm sigh that grotesquely resonates
throughout the building.
CUT TO:
EXT. EMPIRE LANES ROOFTOP - NIGHT
Professor Berryman and the posse have made it to the oscillator enclave.
Berryman attempts to install the destabilizer. Too many aliens. The
professor makes the attempt anyways.
HARALD
Professor. Watch out. No.
One GQ man breaks through and vaporizes Professor Art Berryman.
Slow Motion: The destabilizer drops.
The GQ alien reaches for the destabilizer but as he does so the Lesser Dragon blows him away.
The destabilizer now lays ownerless. The Lesser Dragon crouches down for it. He's got it. He looks up smiling. This changes to a look of horror as Mama Roma stands over him at point blank range.
MAMA ROMA
Eat pussy, Southern man.
Mama Roma lowers a laser on him. Vaporized.
Mama Roma now picks up the destabilizer and turns to alien command. As she turns, Terminator plugs her with the double barrel at close range. Alien goop all over Harald and Terminator. Harald picks up the destabilizer and again begins the attempt to install it. The rebel forces are losing ground. The situation looks bleak.
CUT TO:
INT. BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
Thoroughly exhausted Joey, Pizza Boy and Jen try to get themselves together.
Mattie gets up.
JOEY
Where are you going?
MATTIE
I'm gettin' out.
JOEY
But . . . the planet?
MATTIE
Forget the fucking planet.
I've had enough of this alien
bullshit.
JEN
Don't you understand?
MATTIE
Look, I promised your dad I
wouldn't let big foot get you.
That's my end of the bargain.
Now I'm gettin my dope and
outta here.
PIZZA BOY
Dude, you can't just leave.
MATTIE
Watch me.
Mattie turns to go. Nicky Stardust faces him. He brandishes two John Wayne
sawed-off shotguns and squares off in front of him.
NICKY STARDUST
Payback time Doughnut boy.
JOEY
Shit, another alien.
NICKY STARDUST
(Rude boy accent)
I'm as Apple pie American as
you are kid. An' if I don'
know what's goin' on here, I'm
not sure if I wanna know.
Hands up.
JEN
I saw you on t.v. You've gotta
help.
NICKY
Help? I'm not helpin' no one
except myself to my money
Mattie Jacks.
MATTIE
I don't have your money.
NICKY
Where's Mabeline?
JEN
Dead.
NICKY
What about Terminator's limo
out there?
MATTIE
He's upstairs fighting fucking
aliens.
NICKY
Right. An' I'm the lion of
Judeah. Now I'm gonna count
three. If someone don' tell me
where my dope is I'm gonna
kill the kiddie posse one by
one.
MATTIE
I don' know anymore, so fire
at will.
NICKY
One.
JEN
He's telling the truth. The
planet's in danger.
NICKY
Two.
JOEY
Aliens are about to turn the
planet into a deep freeze.
NICKY
Three.
Slow mo: Nicky fires. Instead of killing anyone, the injured Jedi Master and
Mabeline beam out of the twin barrels of the shotgun casting a blue conic
sphere of light and materializing as hologrammatic figures.
Sacred solemn mysterious music plays.
All look in awe.
MABELINE
Listen to the children Nicky
Stardust. They are the
planet's final hope.
NICKY
What?
STEVEN
You're still among the realm
of the living. There is a
final attempt to be made.
MABELINE
Do your mama proud Mattie.
MATTIE
Shit, mom.
MABELINE
(cajoling)
Mattie.
MATTIE
(reluctantly)
Yeah, alright.
STEVEN
I'm sorry to put this burden
on you Jen and Joey. I never
realized what we were in for.
Whatever your decision, I'm
more proud of you than I ever
could be.
JEN
We love you dad.
STEVEN
Nicky Stardust, Firin' Lion of
Judeah, I beseech you. Help
the children save the planet.
Lay aside past iniquities. The
fate of the earth lies in your
hands.
Both figures fade.
The group is dumbstruck.
NICKY
What are we waitin for? Lead
the way.
The group picks up lasers.
Mattie throws Nicky a laser.
NICKY
An' if we get through, you're
still owin' me .
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. EMPIRE LANES ROOFTOP LANDING PAD - NIGHT
Harald, Terminator and the remnants of the Klan are on their last legs. The aliens are on the verge of overtaking them and turning the planet into a deep freeze. In the distance, Stingy Lulu gloats.
TERMINATOR
I can't hold on white boy.
There's too many of 'em.
HARALD
I need more time.
TERMINATOR
Move.
A house version of Technotronic's "This Beat is Technotronic" begins to play
background. Mattie, Nicky Stardust, Jen and Joey hit the roof in a gang type
entrance. Terminator smiles relieved.
TERMINATOR
It's my boys.
STINGY LULU
Eliminate them. We cannot be
stopped.
The remaining GQ alien troupes realize the importance of their task. They
transform into a wild Mongolian horde bursting upon the new arrivals in a
bloody carnage. The new fighters are prepared.
In a John Wayne pose, Nicky Stardust goes hog wild in Ok Corral shootout style. He makes his way to help out Terminator.
NICKY STARDUST
It's legal hunting season on
beautiful white folks. Must be
Christmas white boys.
The GQ aliens are picked off.
Jen and Joey form a perfectly synchronized brother/sister team. Jen does her baton majorette's routine. A deadly Olympic ten. Joey yogically complements her performance by eliminating aliens who wish to disturb her. The two help each other in blasting aliens in what can only be seen as a rare example of brotherly/sisterly symbiosis.
Pizza Boy is loaded Mexican hombre style with bowling pin grenades. He skilfully launches them at portions of the landing pad.
STINGY LULU
Stop him. He's destroying the
docking pad.
Mattie makes his way toward Harald and Terminator. He sees they need
assistance and goes with the singleminded purpose of a man who has committed
to a cause. Aliens attack.
MATTIE
Do not pass Go. Do not collect
two hundred dollars. Go
directly to jail bastards.
Aliens attack Joey from all sides. He has become a too confident character in
Sega's Mortal Combat video game. An alien capitalizes on Joey's arrogance
and comes from behind.
With hairline sights trained on the alien, Nicky squeezes his trigger
NICKY STARDUST
Make my day homeboy.
Nicky blows the alien off the roof.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEON BOWLING PIN BEACON FOOTLADDER - NIGHT
As Harald begins the perilous ascent up the building's bowling pin an alien lazes off his leg. Mattie comes in and kills the alien and continues toward Harald. Jen is almost there. Joey follows. Mattie looks at Harald.
MATTIE
You ok?
HARALD
Not really but thank God
you're here. I wasn't sure how
long I could hold on. We've
got to get this up there.
Harald holds out what looks like a empty steel ringer with a bit of
electronics on the side. He points up to the tip of the neon bowling pin's
sign. The rocking laser tip flashes into space.
HARALD
This is the disabler. We need
it at the base of their beacon
source to complete the
reversal.
JOEY
Here, give it to me. Watch my
tail.
Joey begins the perilous ascent up the giant bowling pin. While there is a
step ladder on the side that he uses, the building's exterior is incredibly
windy and snowing.
Joey loses his grip with one of his hands. Shot of the street fourteen stories down. Joey dangles from the pin ladder holding with one hand to the pin and another to the ladder.
MATTIE
Hold on Joey.
Joey cannot hold on much longer. Mattie makes his way up the ladder. Joey
dangles. In his dangling hand Joey releases the disabler.
Slow motion: The disabler ring drops through space and bangs on the building's ground perilously close to the roof's edge.
Close-Up: Joey's hand lets go. He comes flying off the building's side.
MATTIE
No.
As Joey comes flying down, Mattie puts out his hand and grabs Joey. Caught.
Joey now again dangles by Mattie hand.
MATTIE
Grab the ladder Joey.
JOEY
I can't.
MATTIE
Yes you can. Grab the fucking
ladder. Reach out your hand
and grab it. Now
JOEY
Don't let go.
Their hands' grip together is loosening.
MATTIE
I'm not going to let go of
you. Just grab the damn
ladder.
Joey grabs it.
JOEY
I dropped the disabler.
CUT TO:
EXT. EMPIRE LANES ROOFTOP LANDING PAD - NIGHT
On the ground there is a frenzy to retrieve the disabler. It becomes a fumbled football still in play. Both teams vie for it. The planet is at stake. A GQ alien tries to pick the disabler up as it bounces off the ground. Miss. Another waif model alien reaches for it on the bounce as it is about to bounce off the roof. Retrieved. She barely has it in her paws when Clyve takes it from her and blasts her off the roof. Clyve now has it.
CLYVE
Wooeeh! Bingo. I got it. I got
it.
As Clyve joyously whoops it up he turns. His expression changes to stark
horror. Stingy Lulu stands directly over him.
CLYVE
Ohh Shit.
STINGY LULU
Welcome to my nightmare white
man.
CLYVE
Ahhhh!
With a move of diabolical finesse Stingy Lulu lowers the boom on Clyve. She
takes away the disabler, stuffs the end of an exploding pin into his
screaming mouth and lifts and throws him off the roof. Clyve explodes mid
air.
Jen looks on in utter horror and despair. She is separated from Lulu by an eight foot ledge. The only way to even reach Lulu to fight her would be to do a massive jump across the precipice and even so. . .
Harald looks at his digital watch. T-one minute fifty seconds.
HARALD
There's no time left. Somebody
get the disabler.
STINGY LULU
Prepare for ice hockey season
early earthlings.
Lulu laughs an evil alien laugh.
Jen looks at the ledge distance. A voice comes from outer space that only Jen hears:
STEVE (V.O)
Triple flying summie.
JEN
(ironically)
Right.
STEVE (V.O)
Trust the force Jen.
Jen backs up. She is about to attempt a Mary Lou Henner "triple flying
summie" while throwing the laser baton on the ascent and catching it on the
descent. She assumes gymnastic form. Olympic theme music plays. Standing at
the edge of the building, Lulu laughs at Jen's folly and holds up the ring
with both hands triumphant. Joey and Mattie look on from the ladder.
JEN
I can't do it.
STEVE (V.O)
Trust in the force Jen.
Final attempt. Jen goes for it. She comes off the left edge of the roof doing
a springboard volley to enter into a triple summie with a half twist. As she
does this, she releases the laser baton twirling into the air.
Slow motion: Jen over fourteen stories flying through three summies and a half-twist.
Jen perfectly hits the landing and does a gymnastic finish catching the laser baton as it lands in her hand.
LULU
Woah.
Jen places the end of the laser through the ring which Lulu holds and then
gives Lulu a single finger push. Lulu's humongous form rocks, loses balance
and then backwards off the ledge.
LULU
Nooooo!
Lulu falls off the edge of the building.
Jen stands triumphant.
HARALD
The disabler.
Jen starts to run toward the bowling pin stairway.
Harald checks his watch. T-fifty-nine seconds
HARALD
There's no time. Toss it.
Still on the end of the laser, Jen lets the disabler fly in a lacrosse-like
volley.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEON BOWLING PIN BEACON FOOTLADDER - NIGHT
The disabler flies upwards. Mattie grabs for it. Too far out. Miss.
MATTIE
Shit.
As the disabler arcs down, Mattie makes another attempt. Miss. Mattie looks down in despair but . . . Joey has grabbed the ring and now hands it upwards to Mattie.
Mattie climbs toward the top of the neon pin. The wind is incredibly high and Mattie nearly falls off.
Harald looks at his watch. T-Fifteen Seconds.
Jen crosses her fingers.
Mattie reaches the end of the pin step ladder. The laser beacon base is still eight feet away. He makes a cautionary move so his feet are hooked on the last step. He pauses. Looks up. He can see the end of the guidelight beam. To place it he must jump.
MABELINE (V.O)
Trust in the force Mattie.
MATTIE
Fine for you to say Mom.
STEVE (V.O)
Trust in the force Mattie.
MATTIE
I heard it the first time Jedi
Master.
Mattie makes the leap of faith. His one hand places the disabler and he
slides perilously back down the pin to the last step bumping and almost
falling off the roof. He grabs onto the ladder rungs with both hands and
regains balance.
The disabler beeps red.
Harald checks his watch. Two seconds.
Mattie looks up.
MATTIE
It's not working.
Mattie slams his hand against the pin in a move of half despair/half Fonzie
like savvy.
Close-up: The disabler kicks into gear. The beam is redirected. The beam moves and changes color from red to green. A large explosion in outer space. The snow stops.
MATTIE
Bingo.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEW YORK STREET - NIGHT
Detective Schroeder and the Rookie ride in the squad car.
DETECTIVE SCHROEDER
Looks like it stopped snowing.
The rookie looks up into the sky where he sees what appears to be a shooting
star.
ROOKIE COP
Hey, look a shooting star. Did
you see that segment on
Present Regard about the next
ice age?
DETECTIVE SCHROEDER
We don' watch that tabloid
crap here in New York son, we
live it.
The squad car pulls into a doughnut shop and Schroeder and the Rookie amble
out.
CUT TO:
INT. EMPIRE LANES ALLEY - NIGHT
The remaining aliens rally. Mattie rejoins Jen, Joey and Pizza Boy.
MATTIE
I've had enough Goddamn
aliens. I'm outta here.
JEN
I'm with you.
JOEY
Me too.
Pizza Boy comes running in.
PIZZA BOY
Wait for me dudes.
Nicky Stardust shows up. He turns his guns on Mattie.
NICKY STARDUST
Wait a minute now Mattie. I
held up my end. You still owe
me that money boy.
MATTIE
Can you give me a break? I
just saved the goddamn planet
and now I'm supposed to come
up with your money?
A group of aliens approaches Nicky from behind.
JEN
Behind you. More aliens.
NICKY
Right. If you think I'm
falling for that. Sister, it's
the oldes' one in the book.
JOEY
She's serious.
Nicky turns his head only to be obliterated by a group of aliens. In his
death fury, he unleashes several rounds to clear a path for the youngsters.
MATTIE
Let's get out of here.
CUT TO:
INT. NEW YORK DOUGHNUT SHOP - NIGHT
Detective Schroeder and one Rookie finish Bavarian Creams. There is a full tray of cremes behind them. The Cruller tray is empty. The cops are in no particular hurry.
ROOKIE COP
An' a dozen of those to go.
(he turns) Hey what about
that?
Some low key nefarious activity goes on outside around them. The detective
turns a blind eye.
DETECTIVE SCHROEDER
Easy kid, eat your doughnut.
ROOKIE COP
Shouldn' we be running pronto
to that call on Empire Lanes.
DETECTIVE SCHROEDER
When you've been on the force
as long as I have kid, you
learn a few things.
ROOKIE COP
Such as?
DETECTIVE SCHROEDER
Such as when a twelve year old
calls the station twice in one
night and orders NYPD blue
down to a bowling alley
because aliens are taking over
the planet, 'allegedly'
becomes the operative word.
ROOKIE COP
And?
DETECTIVE SCHROEDER
And when you're paid to dodge
bullets for an eight hour day,
you take your coffee to the
full extent that the law
allows.
Detective Schroeder polishes off his coffee and gets up. The counter woman is
folding a set of white aprons.
DETECTIVE SCHROEDER (CONT'D)
Things have a way of ironing
themselves out.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
Mattie, Jen, Joey and Pizza Boy make their way through the destroyed alley.
Mattie spies out the bag of dope lying among the carnage. He picks it out.
MATTIE
Bonus. As Mabeline always
said, no sense in lettin' good
dope go to waste.
CUT TO:
EXT. EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
The police cruiser pulls up to the bowling alley. Schroeder ambles out. The
rookie closes the lid on a half box of unfinished doughnuts before hopping
out.
DETECTIVE SCHROEDER
Take it easy on them
doughnuts. This is New York
City not Boise son.
The rookie notices bodies of Terminator's crew, dead good ol' boys and alien
carcases strewn around the alley.
ROOKIE
Holy Shit. What happened?
The group of three bouffant-style red haired bowling princesses in hot pants
and team t-shirts seen earlier look on the carnage in horror. They look over
the cops as they make their way into the alley.
CUT TO:
INT. EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
Jen, Joey, Pizza Boy and Mattie make their way toward the door. The cops
enter.
DETECTIVE SHROEDER
It's Mattie Jacks. Hands up
boy.
Mattie puts up his hands exhausted.
MATTIE
Not again.
ROOKIE
(into walkie talkie)
We're gonna need back up.
JEN
You don' understand.
ROOKIE
It's the girl and her kid
brother.
DETECTIVE SCHROEDER
Move away from the kids
Mattie. Nice and easy. Don'
worry. Everything's gonna be
alright kids.
The rookie goes to handcuff Mattie. They escort him out to the car.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. EMPIRE LANES BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
ROOKIE
You're in a lot of trouble
boy.
Approaching into the detective's safety zone, Jen takes his gun. At the same
time, Joey relieves the rookie of his.
DETECTIVE SCHROEDER
Are you kids fucking nuts?
We're trying to help you.
ROOKIE
They've been brainwashed.
JOEY
(to Pizza Boy)
Uncuff Mattie.
MATTIE
Sorry about this officers but
we've had a long night.
JEN
Too long.
MATTIE
And I wish we had time to
explain but your back up
should be here an' we got a
plane to catch.
Mattie takes Schroeder's car keys, half enters the squad car and flips on the sirens. The rest of the group is about to hop in when the three red-haired bouffant "Imperials" aliens fly out of the shadows, power up their lasers assume a Charrlie's angels type stance and fly into action.
MATTIE
Shit.
PIZZA BOY
They're like goddamn flies.
As the threesome approaches, there is a distant cry.
SUBTITLES FOR TERMINATOR AT SCREEN BOTTOM
TERMINATOR
Ladies.
Terminator stands Rambo-style with his rocket launcher. The 'Imperiales'
turn. He lets a rocket go. Direct hit. Aliens destroyed.
ROOKIE OFFICER
Holy shit.
MATTIE
It's Terminator.
DETECTIVE SCHROEDER
I never thought I'd live to
see the day I'd be glad to see
a dope dealer fire a rocket
launcher.
Again, Terminator's dialogue is incomprehensible but subtitled. He is deadpan
and professional about the whole affair. Everything is business and still
related to the deal.
TERMINATOR
I believe we have some
business to finish.
MATTIE
I believe we do.
Terminator walks over to his white caddy, pops open the back seat and puts
away the rocket launcher and pulls out a suitcase full of money.
TERMINATOR
Next time, no bowling alleys,
no aliens and be on time. This
alien shit is too much
trouble.
Mattie takes the sack of dope and trades with Terminator for the suitcase
full of money. Terminator hops into the caddy.
MATTIE
You got that right.
Terminator pulls away in the caddie.
CUT TO:
INT. SQUAD CAR - NEW YORK STREETS - NIGHT
Mattie hops into the squad car. Jen and Joey are already inside and Pizza Boy runs in. He has stolen a couple pies from "Astro-licious.
MATTIE
Dude, get in.
Pizza Boy flies in and helps himself to a slice.
PIZZA BOY
Chowdown. Cold as ice, twice
as nice.
MATTIE
You got those plane tickets
Pizza Boy.
PIZZA BOY
I believe I have dude.
Pizza boy hands Jen the tickets.
MATTIE
I think we have a plane to
catch.
In the distance, the sounds of sirens. The Beach Boys' "Surfin Safari"
begins to play as Nicky slams the car into gear down New York streets. Jen
moves close to Mattie in the squad car and puts her hand through his hair.
JEN
I'm think I'm beginning to
fall for you outlaw Jesse
Whales.
JOEY
Hey, pass those doughnuts
back.
Jen passes the box back. Joey opens it. Crullers.
MATTIE
Was that plane departing from
La Guardia or Kennedy Pizza
Boy?
Pizza Boy, who is polishing off a slice, cannot remember.
Jen, Mattie and Joey look at each other with an expression it-figures disbelief.
The flashing police car speeds down New York Streets.
The End.